if i start counting backwards, my life will be a series of shameful idleness and procrastination. if i look back to the things that ive tried to accomplish, itll be a list of fail-to-dos, half-bakes and over-cooks. and when i start to realize things like these i cant help but wonder, why did i become so perceptive? perceptiveness in its never before discovered negativeness.
we all have addictions. fumes and scents. and when we get to a certain age (like 25), somehow we get to handle this precious things in a manner where despite the continuous indulgence we are still able to function. and also there are times when we just cant handle it. and right now, no no no no, no way im handling my own sensibly. each and every time i get to satiate my cravings for that apple, guilt consumes me. i start to think of ways to get over it, if a stick wont do, i run for bottles, and then when all else fails i go back for another apple. sick eh?
This is what happens. When you face life, never ever assume that there will be people who will constantly back you up in times of confusion. In a world where tens of millions of people struggle to survive there is not one soul that will readily be available if you will be needing a shoulder to cry on, a lip to give sound advices or even a liver that will filter liters of alcohol just to console you. There will always be only you. Be ready to tap yourself on the back every time you do something good, better or great. Be ready to scold your stupid self when you forget to bring ID at work or when you miss that simple instruction your immediate supervisor has given you a miniminutes ago. Although there will be kind souls who will remind you that they will be always a text away when you need them, never believe them. Because as my “sunshine” have always reiterated, words could mean a lot at one moment but what will really matter is how long will those words be kept true.
I have considered myself an aberration in human relationships. I've always believed that im the kind who will keep a promise uttered as long as my soul can hold it. My fragile human self may at times take the other path but before its too late i can oftentimes if not always gear my self back to that sacred promise. But a lot people of the souls around me operate otherwise. And its heart breaking to admit to oneself that not even your dearest of all friends can as much as give you a decent response to a simple question. Its maddening to find out that even family, after decades of living with em, can fail to anticipate your most basic of needs.
I was not clever enough to see the light in “one is born to struggle alone”.
been out most of the night. either at work or out with people i dont usually go out with. its like college, im exploring butuan all over again. the people, the custom, the locals and the expats. and somehow, its working for me. at work things are just the same but the serenity is new. no code blues, nothing toxic. but outside work, things are different. the faces are the same except for the expat who calls himself butuanon. the perspective are different, they are here but they are there (get it?). they talk different, they act different, or is it just me? am i now trying to see the light under the gloomy sky? am i now realizing that yes, i do belong here? home is home and not home is not home? everything is still all fucked up and shitty but the attitude towards the fucked up and the shitty had went upside down. im getting used to it. is it a good or bad thing? who can tell?
A cup of coffee half way through your working hours. High cholesterol high protein and high carbohydrate diet served in big platter. Your favorite flavor of booze on a long friday night. A month long vacation to catch up on your reading. A weekend getaway with your Big friends. Your dream toyota hybrid. A penthouse over looking the circle. Your own track in a busy street for your evening run. A sanmig light with your sigsig. A punching bag. A vienna teng gig ticket. Your own sauna cubicle at ff. Your own spot at any cbtl branch. Your own couch at powerbooks. A betty to answer your sms for you. Ultra thin and light macbook pro. A dinner with neil gaiman. A jolie birth cert. A portman bride. A pascual sex slave.
1. Ang tunay na lalake ay di natutulog. 2. Ang tunay na lalake ay di nagte-text-back, maliban na lang kung papasahan ng load. Gayunpaman, laging malabo ang kanyang mga sagot. 3. Ang tunay na lalake ay laging may extra rice. 4. Ang tunay na lalake ay hindi vegetarian. 5. Ang tunay na lalake ay walang abs. 6. Ang tunay na lalake ay hindi sumasayaw. 7. Ang tunay na lalake ay umaamin ng pagkakamali sa kapwa tunay na lalake. 8. Ang tunay na lalake ay laging may tae sa brief. 9. Ang tunay na lalake ay di naghuhugas ng pinagkainan o nagliligpit ng kanyang mga gamit dahil may babaeng gagawa noon para sa kanya. Mas lalong nagiging tunay ang pagkalalake kung di niya kilala o di niya maalala ang pangalan ng babae. 10. Ang tunay na lalake ay di nagsisimba.
Calm down Deep breaths And get yourself dressed instead Of running around And pulling all your threads and Breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it If it’s a broken arm then brace it If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own Know your name And go your own way Hold your own Know your name And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Hang on Help is on the way Stay strong I'm doing everything
Hold your own Know your name And go your own way Hold your own Know your name And go your own way
And everything Everything will be fine Everything
Are the details in the fabric Are the things that make you panic Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow Hell, no reason, go on and scream If you're shocked it's just the fault Of faulty manufacturing.
Everything will be fine Everything in no time at all Everything
Hold your own And know your name Go your own way
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own) Are the things that make you panic (Know your name) Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)
Hold your own Know your name Go your own way.
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own) Are the things that make you panic (Know your name) Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? (Go your own way) Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own) Hell no reason go on and scream (Know your name) If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way) Of faulty manufacturing
Everything will be fine Everything in no time at all Hearts will hold
In a study conducted by the Professional Regulations Commission(PRC) and the Commission on Higher Education (CHED), based on the average passing in the BOARD EXAMINATIONS OF ALL COURSES of all universities and colleges in the country, here is a list of the Top 20 Universities of the Philippines:
1. University of the Philippines (Diliman Campus /Luzon)
2. University of the Philippines (Los Banos Campus/ Luzon)
3. University of the Philippines (Manila Campus /Luzon)
4. Silliman University (Dumaguete City / Visayas)
5. Ateneo deDavao University (Davao / Mindanao)
6. Ateneo de Manila University (Manila /Luzon)
7. University of Sto. Tomas (Manila / Luzon)
8. Mindanao State University (Iligan Institute ofTech/ Mindanao)
9. Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila (Manila/Luzon)
10. Saint Louis University (Baguio City / Luzon)
11. University of San Carlos (Cebu City / Visayas)
12. Xavier University (Cagayan de Oro / Mindanao)
13. Mindanao State University (Main / Mindanao)
14. Urios College (Butuan City / Mindanao)
15. Polytechnic University of the Philippines (Manila/ Luzon)
16. De La Salle University (Manila / Luzon)
17. Mapua Institute of Technology (Manila / Luzon)
18. Adamson University (Manila /Luzon)
19. Central Mindanao University (Bukidnon/Mindanao)
20. University of Southern Philippines (Davao /Mindanao)
This study is concluded every 10 years.
Eleven schools come from Luzon, two from the Visayas and seven from Mindanao.
in nursing, there are those things that people try to figure out and label out. Situations that one mostly encounter ones, twice or thrice in a life time. Situations that usually leave a mark in ones life. There are milestones and crossroads which at times if not always makes one what he is at a moment. And there are what they refer to as crisis. These are situations where things get all fucked up and one either succumb of fight for dear life. If ever i get to live a hundred then maybe, where i am and what i am experiencing right at this very moment is a quarter life crisis. Yes, i want to succumb, there hasn't been any other time in my life where i've constantly thought of jumping over a bridge, slit my jugulars and wished that at my next flight the plane would just dive into the ocean. Its this time in my life that if not for my mom, i would have got myself lost in some slum area and submit to the neighborhoods plea for chaos and blood blood blood. That way pity would be my weapon, not against the possible blood thirsty men who'll do the mauling but against my relatives who decided to persecute me for not being perfect. This way all might be easy. A hit, kick here and there would make me bleed but i know in time it'll heal on its own. Its a more sensible choice than fight for my dear life and defend myself from my aunt dellys rather uncalled for yelling over the phone. She had never failed to make me feel bad about myself. Shes like that constant voice that hovers around an innocent kid who sneaked in a smelly little kitten. She's like that grade two teacher who pesters you with inaudible preaching while hitting your armchair with his bigger than life bamboo stick. She's all that and more. I love her but somehow i know i deserve better.
lage ako out dated sa american idol, napapansin ko lang ang show pag last two na. naging cookie ako dati ngaun allen fan naman. pero te matet, mas talented si adam, alam ko at "i like the top" daw. hahahaha
my family is one big circus. its relatively small but they occupy most of the space in my life. i love em but at times i start to wonder why so. when you place yourself in the shoes of one of the carpenters who are presently and constantly tiling our house, maybe thoughts of wanting to be one of us would never ever something to be consider. our constant raising of voices would make the walkers shy out. kitty would shut her froggish mouth if ever she hears me say "MA!". Grandpa, grandma, mother, tito's tita's and cousins. i never had brothers or sisters or a father. and never at one moment of my life did i wish for one. could things be different if ever i did? maybe. and i try to think, does being in a somehow dysfunctional family contribute to what i am right now? 8 years is maybe the longest time ive been with a group of people who call themselves family. before that there was only me and ma, then there was me and ma and stepdad. i didnt question these set ups. i didn't have a voice then. now at the age of 25, almost over with half of my lifetime, that voice is still not within me. its here somewhere but they are repressed. it once raised its tone but decided not to push further because there were great forces trying to push it down where it came from. i look around and i see clutter, inside our house, my room, my wallet and my heart. months ago someone asked me, " ask yourself what you really want and start there, you'll know what to do after ". he was wrong, i know what i really really want but the wisdom to know what to do never came. now i am confused as ever. i did things that cannot be undone, i said things that can never be taken back. hearts had been broken and egos left shattered. just before the act of starting a new beginning, the present ate away the past and rotten the future. Bless my soul, oh Lord.
I'm lying on a hospital bed afebrile, negative of vomiting and with just a lil tinge of headache. I lost the ability to blog since that somewhat melancholic entry. A couple of instances i tried, but nothing. Funny thing is a lot of thing has happened, things that are worthy of a page in the web, but is still zero. For one thing maybe we can blame twitter for this, loved tweeting, and now even twitter lost its charm.
April 25 saturday 4am. The idea of a joyride on the dawn of my birthday would have thrilled me if not for the pounding headache that was slowly dragging me to the ground. I would have canceled but marco and earl was all hyped up and are ready for the looong exhausting trip to davao.
After getting off marco polo i started to wonder, is this much obsessed about chase for greener pasture ever going somewhere? Just when you start to see your fellow sheep s, why do we start to think that theres not enough grass to cater for the insatiable demand? When do we start to value the virtue of patience.?
Ni tipas na pud ka ryan.
After a rather tense late lunch at mandarin i decided to stay in gmall and do some undeserved intra birthday shopping using my ever reliable updated credit card. A shoe, a couple of shirts and a bag later, i found myself tracing circle steps around the activity center. Tick tack tick tack. Still no sign of marco and earl. Its something expected if i get to wait a good couple of hours for marco when we decide to meet at a certain time. Somehow i got used to it, but this is different. I left my old patient self in butuan. I started to mutter discreetly things that i never never ever thought of whispering before. I was possessed. Then a wide eyed teenager came up to me.
“sir, wag po kayong matakot, im a member of a youth organization yadi yada yadi yada, konting tulong lang po, ito po ang ball pen 50 pesos lang po”
i was never silent and if there was a moment in my life that i was left dumbfounded, this was it. This year alone, she's the third kid belonging to that organization whom i came across with. Is the word charity written boldly across my forehead? Or maybe, just maybe, that kid was sent to me to make me realize that the little goodness left in me is slowly draining out.
first instance, i was with my mom inside jonies.
second, smoking area at starbucks G4.
Baka lang makalimutan ko.
Looking forward for the fourth kid. This time ill start to ask for their names.
i heard your heart beating, which is hot because you once told you me you dont have one. it wasn't real, was it? i should have kept my eyes close because it was like a moment in the morning when i first woke up and i still have to sleep and everything seems, things are possible, dreams feel true and for one moment between waking and sleeping anything can be real. and then i opened my eyes and the sun hits me and then i realized that... i should have kept my eyes closed.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that. But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was there Will be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
by the time i arrived at the airport i left all my thoughts and concentrated on how will i travel home. home is a good 15 kilometers from the airport and i barely have twenty bucks in my pocket. i had two choices, to rent a multicab and pay the driver after we arrive at my place or do some old fashioned SOS through Gsms. just as i lifted my two kilo excess baggage i got a message from marco:
"im home, san ka?"
"im at he airport, kararating lang, will you fetch me?"
"sure, wait lang"
5 cigarette sticks and too many familiar faces later, i saw marco on the parking lot sporting a very lame chuck bass look.
"in the car, nice luggage, get in."
there was earl, fresh from a night of booze sex and rock n roll and a little too proud about it.
"so hows the trip? nagkita kayo ng pseudo lover mo?"
" twas good, shemps."
PSEUDOLOVER?! whats that suppose to mean? i know marco is one proud ass but i never really thought he'd be all condescending when it comes to things like these. okay, maybe what i have with sunshine can never pass for what his idea of relationship is but to actually blurt it out like that, was it necessary? it was bad enough that i came home dispirited but PSEUDLOVER? yes, their relationship maybe monumental with a whole 5 years of shit and cum but does he really have to use that term to describe us?
okay. OA. but fuck him. i love my sunshine and i know, at some point, my sunshine loves me. it doesn't take a whole half a decade of companionship to define a relationship. it only takes two souls who love each other, irregardless of distance and presence nor absence of that 8 letter word.
come to think of it, that eight letter word might as well be bullshit for marco.
peace marc, you know i love you. hahaha. pagawas lang sa gibati.
It wasn't anyones fault other than me. It wasn't him, it wasn't the city, it was me. The very first “gandang gabi” we had a long twilight ago defined what he was, is and will be. I had a prequel of what he has to offer and i look past it. I was dreamy and in love and stupid. And i took a leap of faith. I asked him to jump and what he did was a mere hopity hop hop. But again, it wasn't him. I love him because he hopity hop hop. I can never bash him for being him because him is what i love about him.
Am i going around in circles?
Why me? Why my fault? Because unfortunately i am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cant-live-without-each-other-love*. It took me three weeks to realize that i wont be able to find that love in that city, that beautiful avenue, his perfectly real bed. I shouldn't have gone there. I shouldn't have invaded his territory.
i've never seen so many canio's in my life. nose bleed is an understatement, i was already bleeding through my arse. discreetly, but it's there. blood blood. (pasintabi sa mga kumakain). then beep beep. it was a cue for me to start walking to his place. all smiles, it feels like i was again defying gravity:
sunshine: bkit hndi ka natuloy umuwi? kelan na uwi m?
(tadhana un, binigyan pa uli ako ng pagkakataon makita ka)
sunshine: nyi.alam m namang hndi ako pwede mgtagal ngaun. kulit naman.
that was a cue for me to walk back towards katipunan station. no gravity defying moment this time. my feet dragging the whole 150 lbs of me.
happy 7th monthsary. pitong buwan. mula nung una ko cyang makita at una kong maramdaman ang pag-ibig ko para sa kanya.
ako ung isang taong minsan puno ng kamalasan. di dahil malas ako kundi dahil may pagkatanga ako. isa to sa mga minsan na yun.
if you have been reading my previous post (which i doubt), you'll know that im supposed to be home at this very moment and not at some overpriced internet cafe here in araneta center. i dont know how to put this but somehow i had my mind set that ill be staying here in manila to pursue what it is i had to pursue (kung binasa mo nga alam mo kung ano) between march 9th to 30th. so on the 29th, with high spirits i packed up my things and braced myself for a long day after my flight. but then i wasnt prepared for everything, i wasnt prepared on the information given to me by that little pleasant girl at the airport, i wasnt preapare to travel back to paranaque, i wasnt financially prepared for another day stay here in the metro and i wasn't bleeping prepared to find out that my e-ticket was booked for march 31!
sweet life, i was supposed to do a lot of things today. pending appointments and responsibilities i set aside to make way for this trip. bills to pay, appointments with the furniture shop, the review center, my immediate supervisors etc etc. now what? to add up, i had a hard time coming up with an excuse for my family on why i didnt make it home to day. they dont even know im here in manila. all this time they we're convinced i was in cdo preparing for my ielts. hell will break loose if they find out that im here. what to do? what to do? im out of money, i cant even afford to have my fone loaded, i missed all my appointments, im sure our telephone and internet connection is already cut out and my family is on the verge of knowing that im a huge-lying-scumbag. hmmh. there are two railway station close here. you know what im thinking? JUMP! JUMP!
i have never held anything so beautiful in my arms. the feel of you is like a gigantic egg, i had to hold you snugly but not too tight so as not to break you. that would be last thing ill ever do in this lifetime, to break you.
i discovered a new BFF. Redhorse. for the past weeks if im not babysitting im out drinking beer. i drink on kanto sarisari stores, on open air bars, chilly restobars and foggy dance clubs. beers and tears. emo.
the thousand miles apart we had before to a couple of railway ride we have between us now didnt make much difference. this is my last weekend here in the metro and i've only seen him for a couple of chats over rather expensive dinners. what we were six months ago is the same us today. "parang kahapon lang kita last nakita ah, except sa nag-iba kulay ng buhok mo". whenever i recall that night i couldn't help but smile in despair. the kind of smile we make whenever we realized that we had again placed ourselves in an embarrasing situation and we wont be able to do anything but deal with it. "is this what i flew in here for?". and i answered myself, "yes". the last couple of weeks was about him and what i did to be close to him. before i get back to butuan this monday, ill give myself a tap in the back "job well done ryan, iba ka magmahal". ill leave downhearted but satisfied. who am i kidding? ill leave downhearted.
im back. no one really noticed that i was gone except for one person. he's the very reason i took a blogging leave. i wrote to many bullshits for the past month that i realized he needs a breather. but as replacement for my ranting online, i took the liberty to bug him in another level. IN PERSON. flew a couple of thousand miles and kept a promise i made to myself. to give him a reason to love me. to show all the love i have for him in flesh and not just thru nonsense emails, sms', and blogs. it was another leap of faith. and somehow i fell head first. all thoughts that run over my mind for the past months vanished. it took one mind blowing blog entry to pull me back into my lucid self. reality is, i've been day dreaming for the past months. day dreaming on the what could be, might have been and what if's. i became so obsessed with the reward that i didn't know there was a prize to pay. a prize to pay for being so deep in love.
i miss you. just got off from work. was out last night. got really really drunk. had a bad hungover when i woke up, got a throbbing head when i started the shift. and between those unbearable throbs are thoughts of you. i got through the day somehow. i love you.
jan 19 sunshine!
how i miss calling you sunshine. how are you holding on there? may bago na? sana naman wala. we never get to talk anymore. the last time i tried to call you through the private number and through a friends line di mo nasagot. i miss you. when i try to look back on the months where i tried so hard to be with you even sa sms lang natatawa ako kung minsan. i still remember talkin you asking me about how is it possible for me to hold on to a LDR (this was sometime ago before we even got the chance to meet, i dont know if naalala mo pa), i had to explain to you how. you seem to have not bought all the things i said, but now knowing you, youre never gullible. but see, maybe after all, hope you realize that romance can somehow exist sa ganitong set up. the physical presence count a lot, its something indespensable, pero sa situation natin na imposible as of the moment ang magkasama, is it too much to ask for you to hold on? maybe its too much, but again i gotta take a shot on this, ito na lang ang magagawa ko sa ngaun. ive never been selfish, i am at some aspect, but not on this. if someone comes along, someone who can satisfy that something you have been longing for, kindly think of me. of the mere thought of me fails to make you think twice, then go on. but while that someone is still yet to come (wag na sanag dumating), lemme be here for you. i can never let go of you. we can do this. mahal kita. mahal kita.
just got home from work. wanted to send an im sa yahoo kaso it says youre not on your desk. baka may makabasa. magkape ka na
i didnt know what happened but somehow i found myself on the passenger seat of rachels car listening to cheezy love songs and going around in circles on the streets of butuan at half past three in the morning. then out of nowhere i saw asperger friends car parked indiscreetly on an unlit road going to san vicente. a distinct hunch told me something fishy is going on:
entongalon: hey, i hope you're not with some girl i don't know.
we drove back and found out asperger friend already left. i don't know if it was fate or just plain bad luck for asperger friend, i saw his car again. i had to ask rachel to sober up and tail em. maybe out of panic asperger friend drove faster than usual. i didn't want us to end up dead after a freak accident so we decided to let the incident pass.
entongalon: had to tail you. but i didn't want you to panic so nitipas nalang ko. badboy.
asperger: okay. one, yeah, im not with the girl im supposed to be with, and im a bad boy. two, in my defense, bisan pag masunog among balay and makilatan ko, i swear, nothing happened, i just tested my mettle. three, im home na and ako ra isa sa kama.
asperger: im sorry to disappoint you but yeah, she also has her shortcomings...
asperger: and sometimes, i just don't know what to think or do... and no, love is never enough, it never was, nyt.
entongalon: infidelity, like everything else, has its own phases/levels. this is just a tap on your back. someone had to do it. be glad it had to be me. be careful next time. you're a friend to me as she is. i wont squeal. sleep soundly.
entongalon: i never took you as someone who uses lines from mushy love songs. you can never disappoint me. i never counted on you to make things perfect for her. i only wanted you to do things right. if that's so hard to do, let her go.
asperger: i know im not perfect, and if it offers you a slightest bit of reassurance, i could honestly say that im trying my best to be. thank you for not making our already complicated relationship even more complex. and i hope you had a great valentines day, coz mine just plain sucked... goodnight and thanks again.
got a new hair color, they call it trash, i call it ash. got nail colors ( or is it nail polish? ) the left is purple, the right is red. i cant really afford anything right now but i needed something to excite me. the hair color cost 13hundreds while the nail polish cost 3hundred. im on tight budget but still i had to loose those cash to feel alive. after the attendant did the second rinsing king2x said "perfect". it's been sometime now since someone complimented something in me. i needed that. i needed reassurance that there's still something likeable in me. i suck too much. there's too much trash under my skin. and now, im putting more.
(ill loose the nail polish before gym tomorrow, i dont wanna scare people off)
when i had those dragging-a-cigarette-pondering-things-because-i-had-no-better-things-to-do moments before, i kept muttering that i am tired of it. but now that my days are always spent running around the city i kinda miss it. i had this habit of just spacing out. playing with the fumes coming out of my mouth and nose. its not a pretty sight but now i realized i enjoyed it. its one of those moments where i figure things out. those were the times when my thoughts are trivial but within an arms length reach. now i cant seem to even make a conclusion on things that gets into may head. just when my thoughts are on its momentum i get distracted, either by my mom's whining or by another disturbing thought. how I'd do anything to be able to have those moments again. maybe then ill be able to sort things out. but for now, maybe a don't disturb sign could do the trick.
Overview The male-female relationship in human society is the most fundamental and important type of human relationship because it is not only the cornerstone of procreation, but also the unique bond in the principally perfect union of the two complementary halves of humanity. As such, this bond is special and its unique qualities should be acknowledged and strengthened, not denied and degraded by regarding it simply as one of the many alternatives. The homosexual activists and their supporters have had considerable success in favorably framing the issues in terms of what they want to focus on, and coining the language to their liking in the contemporary debate over homosexuality. Indeed, the core issue of homosexuality, that of the essence of the relationship itself, has been lost in the debate and secondary issues such as tolerance, acceptance, civil rights, adoption and homosexual marriage have been promoted to take the center stage. In effect, the underlying relationship has been accepted as valid, and as a result, the rest of the claims will have to be accepted because they logically follow. But, these issues are not fundamental and only flow by implication from the basic assumptions about the normalcy of the homosexual relationship. In this essay, I refocus the attention on the essence of the homosexual relationship. I will argue that, despite the popular and often irrelevant claims to the contrary, homosexuality is a pathological condition of the sexual system. This argument is in the bigger context of the sexual system and the fundamental, gender-based, and complementary relationship between male and female. Because men and women are not interchangeable, a homosexual relationship cannot be a valid substitute for a heterosexual relationship. The fundamental harm which lies in homosexual tendencies and behaviors results from the depravation of one sex from the complementary characteristics and influences of the opposite sex. I will briefly touch on many aspects of this debate for completeness and to rebut the oft made and invalid arguments on these basis. The Homosexual Aspirations & Agenda There has been a trend in recent years, and becoming more widespread, where people with certain identifiable problems try to redefine their problems as traits of diversity. For example, in a recent news story a deaf child was born to deaf parents (who were, incidentally, a lesbian pair). The child's impairment could be treated and cured but the parents refused to allow treatment on the grounds that deafness is not a defect but a culture! Their argument was based on that deaf people have their own language and way of life and therefore are a distinct culture and by curing their child they would be turning their back on their culture. It is hard to imagine a more selfish and absurd argument. They want to deprive their own child of a major sense because they think that their physical impairment amounts to a culture. This quest for normalcy, through the redefinition of problems as diversity traits, is a strong and emotional driver for activists to promote acceptance and normalization of their condition. The conviction behind this activism is further strengthened by the historical bigotry and unreasonable discriminations that people with these problems were made to bear. They are now united partly because of this common discrimination that they endured over the decades and centuries past. This is one reason why they feel so self-righteous and are so dedicated to their causes. To this end, the homosexual activists and their supporters now want to get as much media exposure as they can, promote their condition as normal through educational establishments and entertainment outlets and gain sympathy and acceptance by irrelevant comparisons to racial minorities and arguments on the basis of civil rights. Even past this stage, they have reached the point of coercing the rest of the society to accept their viewpoints by judicial decree and favorable interpretations of law. This is a classic case of the tyranny of minority. Trivialized Male-Female Differences Probably the most important of the intellectual and emotional enablers of the current permissive and positive attitudes towards homosexuality is the trivialization of the differences between men and women in pop culture, politics and law. This attempt at trivializing the differences stems from the emotional quest for equality through sameness. After all, if we are all the same, there can be no argument about who is better or worse in a particular respect. But this quest is misguided in its approach. By denying the differences, they are also denying the unique and irreplaceable values that each sex brings to the table. Ironically, one of the negative results of the feminist movement has been the under-valuation of femininity. From the inception, the feminist movement tried to deny and trivialize male-female differences and directly or by implication regard them as a social strategy devised by men to keep women down. They aggressively promoted male behavior and manners in women to "show" everybody that women can do everything just as well as men. Unwittingly, the feminists are also sending the message that women can only have value if they act like men, undervaluing their potential based on their own feminine traits. If we accept the proposition that men and women are basically the same (other than some obvious anatomical differences) in terms of behavior, traits, and inclinations, then we can logically conclude that they are interchangeable in general. This fallacious proposition is largely responsible for the justification and acceptance of the homosexual relationship because if men and women are interchangeable, then based on one's inclinations, be they biologically based or not, one may validly choose either a man or a woman as his/her sexual partner. That is, anything goes. Of course, men and women are very different in their behaviors, traits, and inclinations. The differences are very visible at all levels of their existence from sub-cellular level XX & XY chromosomes, to the highest levels of cognitive characteristics as I discuss below. What is the Sexual System? Sex is often identified with mating and that is probably the most visible manifestation of the sexual system. But there is a lot more to the sexual system than mere sex. The sexual system is a means of diversifying and thus strengthening the gene pool by requiring the mixing of the chromosomes of two individuals, the male and the female. But it doesn't end there. In advanced animals and especially in humans, this is a multi-level system where at each level there are complex adaptations that support the particular sex's (i.e. male or female's) sexual strategy for survival. Some of the identifiable levels include sub-cellular (e.g.: chromosomes), cellular (e.g.: sex cells), physiological (e.g.: hormones, circulation), anatomical (e.g.: do you really need an example for this?!), emotional (how we feel about a given event), behavioral (how we react to and deal with events), and cognitive (how we understand and view intellectual matters) levels. Male-Female Differences Male and female are different in each of the levels mentioned above. What is more, these differences are complementary to those of the opposite sex, not arbitrary. At some levels, such as the sub-cellular and cellular levels where you consider the makeup of XX-XY chromosomes and behaviors of sperm and egg, respectively, this complementation is obvious. At other levels the complementation is more subtle, but it is there. Some of these levels are discussed below. At the cognitive level, generally, both men and women can do everything, but how they do it and how they approach problems and solutions are different because of their different outlooks on life necessitated by their gender. Women tend to be more holistic in their approach to problems and men tend to be more black & white and focused. These differences are neither trivial nor incidental. They represent two fundamental and complementary approaches to problem solving and dealing with life's challenges. In some problem areas we need to focus intensely, be methodical, and dig deep, while in other areas we need to consider all factors and relationships involved. This may partially explain why men tend to be the technical specialists while women excel in management skills, multi-tasking, and social relationships. It is noteworthy that in adopting one of these problem solving strategies, it is not only the capabilities that are important but also the inclination and enjoyment involved because people tend to do what they enjoy in the absence of ulterior socio-political motives. At the behavioral level, one of the differences is that women tend to react to conflicts with more physically peaceful means (although the attitude may be combative), whereas men are more likely to resort to physical violence to settle the dispute. The complementation lies in that both types of reactions are sometimes called for and neither one alone can resolve all conflicts. Hence, the two together complement each other and create a balanced strategy for dealing with all situations. Because sex is the differentiator of male and female at many levels, it follows that "homo" - "sex" is a contradiction in terms. In this context, "sex" means difference. So, these gender-based differences are fundamental (i.e. it applies to everybody), not incidental, they are complementary, not merely collaborative, and they are gender-based, not individual-based. It is important to note that in addition to these sexual characteristics within the individual, the functioning of the sexual system also depends upon the coming together of the sexes to fulfill the complementation. So, it follows that the sexual system may be impaired in two ways: one, by a defect in one of the levels listed above within one individual (intra-sex problem), and two, by one individual failing to join with his/her complement, namely the opposite sex. The latter could happen in the form of lack of attraction to the opposite sex (inter-sex problem). It is important to recognize the difference between complementation and collaboration. Collaboration means the two collaborating entities basically perform the same function but more of it. Whereas, complementation means the two complementing entities perform different functions to achieve a common goal. The four wheels in a car are collaborative because they merely divide the load, while the engine and the transmission perform different functions of power generation and power transmission, respectively, to achieve the common goal of motion. When two same-sex individuals form a partnership, the partnership is necessarily and fundamentally collaborative, whereas when two opposite-sex (i.e. a male and a female) individuals form a partnership (marriage or otherwise), they necessarily complement each other with respect to fundamental functions of life. The fact that a heterosexual couple may be mismatched does not negate this principle, just as a badly made car does not negate the principles of physics. The book Brain Sex, by Anne Moir, is instructive about male-female differences. Where is the Harm? Because inter-sex attraction is an integral part of the sexual system and a requirement for its proper functioning, any impairment in this attraction is a pathological condition. Homosexuality, therefore, is harmful precisely because the lack of inter-sex attraction deprives the individual from the complementary characteristics and influences of the opposite sex. Additionally, a committed homosexual in a relationship with another partner is doubly harmed by getting a false sense of fulfillment, regardless of personal feelings and enjoyment, and by getting further reinforced in his behavior. The unmarried, or otherwise unattached, heterosexual individual is also deprived from the influences of the opposite sex, but with one important difference, that he has an attraction towards the opposite sex and the potential to partner with one is always there. This harm is the fundamental issue and is at the very foundation of all other harms. Furthermore, it manifests itself over the long-term and is not trivial. Other secondary harms ensue when the homosexual activists promote and propagate this harmful behavior to other vulnerable people, especially the youth and children who are extra impressionable. Another means of inflicting greater harm on society is created by people in positions of power and high visibility, such as judges and senators, who are openly homosexual and are often activists in their cause. In these situations, they further normalize the behavior, making it more acceptable to others and lowering the "barrier to entry", so to say. That is, when moral inhibitions are eliminated, people may just try it for many different reasons, including desire to make a political statement, desire for attention, or because they are impressionable, especially in the case of youth. It is important to understand that human sexuality, like most human traits, is malleable and flexible. It is even more important to recognize that just because you are flexible it doesn't mean anything you do is ok. That is, flexibility does not negate any of the principles we discussed above or alter the nature of harm caused by violating them. Consider heroin, for example. It is literally a toxic substance for human body, and yet, in absence of education and inhibition, one can try it and consequently get addicted to it to the ultimate detriment of himself and society. Just like heroin is not a natural food substance and is harmful and yet some people try it, some people may also be inclined to try a homosexual experience. So, it is pure demagoguery to assert that heterosexuals are not affected by the normalization of homosexuality. Many people, especially youth, are susceptible and many homosexuals often do attempt to "recruit" new people into their ranks precisely based on the knowledge of this flexibility. Confusion of small children, especially those below the age of five, about human relationships is also a major concern. A small child who does not have a firm gender identity yet and does not fully understand and appreciate the range and nature of various human relationships, may think it is "normal" to marry their friend of the same sex in the absence of any inhibitions, or worse, by seeing a lot of examples of same-sex "couples" in their lives, movies, or even in cartoons. An additional harm to children raised in a homosexual house-hold is their depravation from two distinct effects created by the lack of heterosexual parents. One effect is that they have no intimate and deep role model for both sexes up-close and personal and on a daily basis. And no, "Uncle Bob's" or "Aunt Mary's" occasional visits do not fulfill this need. The second effect is that they do not partake from the actual influence of each sex in their daily lives and the directions in which their lives are taken by virtue of these influences. This latter effect is the same kind of depravation that each homosexual partner also experiences as described above. Appeasement Promotes Boldness Appeasement is really a form of blackmail or extortion: you give undeserved concessions to someone in order to get their cooperation in return. It is generally an unfair and/or immoral exchange involving a sacrifice of principles. In the case of homosexuality, the society has tried very hard to appease them by continuously accepting more and more of their claims and viewpoints. With each step the party appeased becomes bolder and bolder and feels more and more self-righteous. The first and most damaging acceptance was that of the homosexual relationship itself as a valid counterpart of the heterosexual pair bonding relationship. And so, the first step in reversing this trend is to recognize the homosexual relationship and its implications. Are You Stereotyping Again? Stereotyping means jumping to unjustified and generalized conclusions about a group of people based on a few experiences. Some conclusions about groups of people may look like stereotyping but they are not if a large percentage of that population fit a certain description. For example, it is stereotyping to say Mexicans are all drug-dealers, but it is not stereotyping to say Mexicans have a lot of beans in their diet. The former is simply not true about a large majority of Mexicans, while the latter is. Homosexual activists and supporters use stereotyping as a defense to rebut some assertions about their behavior which are actually true and not stereotypes. For example, homosexual males have a lot of partners and engage in a lot of casual sex. This is not stereotyping. It stems from male sexuality, probably genetically programmed, and male's desire to mate with as many females as possible to spread his "seeds". It is almost universally true about all males in all species with few exceptions. Heterosexual men usually are not successful in "mating with as many females as possible" because the women won't cooperate! Women do not have this behavior in general and thus tend to balance men out in this respect by being hard to get. Whereas a homosexual man finds many other willing male partners to engage in sex because both of them have the same desires and there is nothing in their makeup to inhibit this behavior and so no balancing takes place. The Numbers Game One of the standard methods that different groups of people use to make themselves look important and legitimate is to inflate their numbers and size. The homosexual group advertises that up to 12% of the population is homosexual! The proportion of true hardcore homosexuals whose sexual tendencies have a biological (genetic or developmental) basis is probably much less than 0.1%, given that evolution favors the fertile and the types of behaviors that lead to high fertility rates. When you count the self-professed homosexuals who have other reasons and ulterior motives for their sexual deviance, the proportion may rise to about 1-2%. These other reasons include bitterness against anything traditional or established, desire for attention, making a political statement, and general behavior flexibility (including sexual behavior) in absence of inhibitions, among others. In any event, their numbers are far less than the advertised 10-12%. The Supporters The homosexual movement could never have achieved the notoriety it has, if it wasn't for the complacency of the silent non-homosexual majority and the support of non-homosexual minorities and the politically correct crowd. Much of their support comes from women and minorities who identify with the pains of discrimination and the politically correct who want to be perceived as real "open-minded" and "progressive". These supporters generally identify with the homosexuals because they believe that they have experienced similar treatments from the majority in the past. But, their support is misplaced because even though there are similarities between some of these minorities' plights and the homosexual agenda, there are also important differences, as discussed, and adverse consequences that merit careful attention and re-evaluation of their support. Another motivation for many of the supporters is the "common enemy" or "common goal" principle, which means you team up with others to defeat a common enemy or achieve a common objective, even if you don't directly care about your "teammate's" interests. Sex-based values, such as chastity, long held by society at large, and religions in particular, go against the perceived interests of many groups of people and professions which in one way or another depend on explicit sexual activities and expressions. Examples include some people in arts, theater, movies, adult film industry, and prostitution (yes, prostitutes can vote too). These people support any type of sexual freedom because it agrees with their values and fuels the fire of their industry. Weapons of Mis-Instruction: Language & Terminology In the battlefield of social and political dialog, language is the weapon of choice. Language drives social images, images drive emotions, and emotions drive decisions. The homosexual activists have successfully coined catchy terms and phrases which convey the messages they want. For example, they almost universally identify themselves as "gay" instead of homosexual, reducing the negative connotations. They commonly attack anybody who objects to their ideas and promotions by labeling him as a "homophobe". They use superficial slogans such as "Hate is not a family value", or "Equal rights are not special rights", which lack any rational or logical validity, but achieve their propaganda purposes rather well by creating the desired images. Language is important. To reveal the flaws in these arguments, it is imperative that these terms be taken out and their fallacious nature be exposed. Another facet of the use of language to manipulate emotions is the use of some special words that have been given a sort of "sacred" status. By throwing these words into a sentence or context, the speaker hopes to justify anything else being asserted, no matter how unreasonable or ludicrous. At the top of the list are the words "love", "culture", "diversity" and "tolerance." For many people, when you throw one of these words into the mix, everything else you might want to assert seems to be automatically justified; no additional reasons required. And then, any resistance to such assertions is treated like heresy. So, for example, if they say "a homosexual couple love each other and therefore their relationship deserves special protection," all other issues and concerns are treated as secondary and trivial because of the presence of the word "love". After all, what could be more important than "love"?! Similar situations exist for the words culture, diversity, and tolerance. The problem is that none of these words have value in and of themselves. Their values are entirely dependent upon and derived from their objects or contents. Whether love is good or bad depends not on love itself, but on what you love. A heroin addict loves heroin but that doesn't make it a beautiful relationship. Similarly, the value of culture or tolerance is dependent upon the contents of the culture and the objects of tolerance. Thieves, drug dealers, and prisoners have their own "culture" and lingo too and they are far from sacred. Tolerance of a bad thing is bad and intolerance of a bad thing is good. Religious Arguments Are for Religious People Some of the popular arguments against homosexual rights are made based on religious values and texts, such as the Bible. The problem with these arguments is that only the faithful believe in them and even among the faithful many interpret the verses to suit their own convictions. After all, how many homosexual priests have we seen recently who openly profess that homosexual relationship is equivalent to a heterosexual relationship in the sight of God? (This is not a trick question; the answer is many.) Another side-effect of religious arguments is that people who are anti-religion or don't like religious intrusions in their lives try to deal a blow to religion by supporting things that are against religious teachings, in this case, homosexuality. This is another emotional driver for such supports. That is, they are against religion, not necessarily for homosexuality per se. No Fault and No Cure An often mentioned defense of homosexuality is that it is biologically based and therefore it is not the fault of the homosexual. Additionally, and in the same vein, they claim that there is no cure for it and so therefore it is a normal condition. Well, not really. This is a faulty argument. Lack of fault and/or cure does not convert a problem into a virtue or a normal condition. If you are blind, you have a sensory impairment. The fact that it was not your fault that you are blind and there is no cure for it does not change the problems associated with blindness. Rationally, this point is clear enough, but emotionally, a lot of people seem to relate to this excuse and tend to want to support the underdog, that is the homosexual, in their views, which of course, is a misplaced sympathy that does more harm than good. What about Love, Commitment, and Stability? Yes, what about them? As discussed in the section on language, none of these qualities have value in and of themselves. Their values are entirely dependent upon their objects. Whether love is good or bad depends not on love itself, but on what you love. Similarly, you may have a very stable and committed relationship with your local tavern too, but that doesn't make it a beneficial relationship. In order for love, commitment and stability to have special values, the underlying relationships must have special value first. Equal Rights Under the Fourteenth Amendment of the US Constitution people have a right to the equal protection of law. Without getting into the details of the applicable Constitutional analysis involved in these types of cases (i.e. suspect groups, strict scrutiny, etc.), we must note that there is a difference between application of a law to a particular group of people and conditions that define the applicability of that law in general. A particular law or regulation for public taxi drivers does not apply to bicycle riders. This is not discrimination against bicycle riders as a group. The law is simply not defined to be applicable to them. Similarly, laws of marriage are defined to be applicable to a married couple consisting of a man and a woman, not same-sex partners. Therefore, it is not a legally valid point to claim unequal treatment of homosexuals under the Fourteenth Amendment. Definition of law is not the same as application of law. Homosexual Marriage, Civil Union, and Adoption Government generally has two types of legal devices for shaping the behavior of its people: one is the law, the obedience to which is obligatory, and the other is incentives which are only persuasive in their application to public. Any law or regulation is an example of the first type, while an example of the second type is tax breaks for particular voluntary actions. Laws are generally for the protection of people's rights and privileges, while incentives are for the promotion of actions which benefit public interest, but are not mandatory. Marriage belongs to the second category. It is better for social order and benefit if people marry and have stable and functional families based on the inherently beneficial male-female relationship, so, government should and does provide incentives to that end. Based on the discussions above, not only a homosexual relationship does not confer the same benefits on society, it imparts certain harms on it as well. Accordingly, neither homosexual marriage nor civil union should be encouraged by government. The matter of child adoption is a bit different. There are children who may benefit by being adopted by a homosexual couple, on the basis of the lesser of two evils, if their situation is such that any amount of attention or resources would help them. But again, the homosexual harm is so fundamental that very careful consideration is in order before granting any such adoptions. And most assuredly, a heterosexual couple who meet adoption criteria should be given priority over any homosexual couple in this regard. Comparison to other Minorities A rather offensive and misleading strategy adopted by homosexual activists is comparing their situation to minorities and drawing a parallel with them, especially with blacks. This comparison is often in the context of marital rights. The basic fallacy here is that a heterosexual black and white marriage is principally no different from a heterosexual single-race marriage. A man (or woman) of a different race is still a man (or woman), regardless of minor and superficial racial differences such as skin color or hair type. Whereas, there is nothing minor about the differences between a man and a woman when substituted for opposite sex in a homosexual relationship, as discussed above. Again, this comparison has an emotional appeal but rationally, it is completely invalid. Where Are All Those Homosexual Animals? Beyond the careful analysis of the sexual system, one must really use his common sense too. To do so, all we have to do is to ask ourselves if homosexual behavior is a natural variation and not a pathology, how come there are NO homosexual animals among literally billions of individual animals in hundreds of thousands of species? Isn't that just a bit strange? To any reasonable mind this should be an immediate tip-off that something is wrong. The very few examples of apparent homosexual behaviors observed among some species of animals all have non-sexual explanations. Among the species that sometimes exhibit what seems like homosexual behavior are bonobo chimps and some antelopes. Bonobo chimps use sex as a tool for social bonding in their clans. There is no orgasm involved in same-sex sexual interactions, making these interactions very different and far less than "having sex". This is similar to dogs licking or sniffing each other's genitals in a pack or other apes grooming during social interaction, albeit a bit more sexual in appearance. On rare occasions, some young male antelopes sometimes attempt to mount other young male antelopes in their zeal for reproduction under mistaken identity, thinking the small male is a female. Of course such attempts do not go very far and are rejected immediately and once the young males become more experienced these incidents do not happen. The homosexual activists and feminists have been quick to seize on the bonobo chimp's bonding habits, touting them as a great role model for human society! How absurd can one get?! Bottom Line The common-sense bottom line is that there is nothing right with the idea of homosexuality and its associated behaviors, not biologically, not socially, not evolutionarily, and not rationally. The general attitude towards homosexuality should be the same as towards any other affliction or problem. Diabetes can serve as an instructive model for guiding our attitude: the diabetic is generally not at fault for his condition, there is no cure for it, we are against diabetes not the diabetic, there are border-line cases that with the proper care and treatment can live normal lives, there are hard cases that have to do the best they can living with their problem, all people are susceptible to contracting it to varying degrees, society and law should respect the diabetic as a person but not promote or defend diabetes as a condition, and diabetes has always been in human society but it is not a good thing. If you substitute "homosexuality" for "diabetes" and "homosexual" for "diabetic" in the above paragraph and add the principle of complementation between men and women, you get a substantially accurate picture.
on mass today, one of the petitions was for health care providers to have passion in caring for the sick.
earlier today, i argued with a patients son about a certain administration of medications which he questioned the validity of the order, his dad almost died.
later this week, i overheard that a few colleagues are bound for the middle east.
just like everything in life, the health care profession is a series of coming and leaving. we care for a patient and eventually we set them free either to be discharged or to be buried. the turn over of nurses are like students from vocational courses, they stay for a good six months then they leave. as i was discussing this to a fellow nurse i cant help but wonder. why is she able to talk about things like this casually. it seems like while we talked about dying patients and co-workers leaving, she is devoid of emotions. is it because she had seen far more dying and leaving than me? is it because all the ten years spent in her career being died upon and being left behind became natural? will i be like her 6 8 10 years from now? no wonder our profession is one of those of jobs that gets to be singled out and included of mass petitions. we do need prayers. as much caring for patients fills our soul it also creates a blackhole, a blackhole for all the deaths, passing and leaving.
a month old restobar is shaking butuan. the all new woodstock. no, its never like the event its named after. yes, woodstock in its literal sense. i was there earlier. this time i wasn't partying, i was merely observing. it takes inner strength to actually sit there for hours and not take in my usual dose of alcohol (im currently on antibiotics) and just stare stare stare. you know what happens when you come to this kind of place and leave sober? you'll get a very bad hang over. why? its because you don't have booze to get you preoccupied and you'll tend to see what's really going on around. in my city, faces aren't just faces. faces are stories. as i was pacing to and from the counter to get my refill of icetea and water i bump to people i used to know in the past. yes, USED TO KNOW IN THE PAST. theirs are the faces that had shared something with me. maybe a silly drunken session, a project from school, a room for dragging that forbidden smoke, or even a cum for that poor unborn fetus. sick eh? but that's what it is. before when i pass by these faces they don't bother me because when im jaded and good, only dan bothers me. but this night is different, although i have been in a lot of alcohol holiday, this particular night made all the things i shared with this faces vivid. that woman who's dancing like no one's watching has two sons sleeping on a room she uses as a session hall for her addiction. those two guys who share the same genes each has an unborn fetus from two close friends. that man who is drowning himself from chivas regal is trying to win custody over two angels. she's a bitch. he's a manwhore. and life, goes on. because really, nobody cares. too bad on this uneventful night, i did.
was busy collecting images of what i used to be. two three four five years ago. it was a pleasant trip. all are smiles. and when i try to think about it, im grateful. i did enjoy life when problems are boxed into what we used to call college. outside that box, are experiences i could never exchange for any other. asan na kayo?
four days of fever is of course not normal. so i got up and took a shower, packed up and prepared for my first confinement in the hospital. i walked through the halls of mjsh, the ER, the lab, ICU. i had my blood drawn, my urine examined and my wallet drained. i had to chase Dr. Abarquez because he seem to be very busy in spite the rather silent hospital halls. we stared at my lab exam results and had to scratch our heads because we cant seem to see anything wrong. my abnormally high platelet count is a normal value for me (its gradually increasing since i was told i may have thrombositosis), my wbc was within normal values so it means no infection was going on. the UA results was not alarming. we cant seem to point out where the fever is coming from. Dr. Abarquez asked me what drug i would prefer to take, yeah, it happens if you are a nurse, i get to decide which medicine i would prefer to take if the one prescribing it is a resident. we agreed on co-amoxiclav and as he was about to leave the icu i urged him to examine me. he hesitated. tinamad na naman si tristan. i went back to the ER and asked around if its wise to be confined. they said yes, so i did otherwise. it was Dr. V. Yu who provided me a diagnosis. as i was about to leave i saw her on the lobby, i told her about my fever and inflamed lymph nodes. "open your mouth" "aaaaaaaah" "omg, exudates naman na dong, very bad" she stared at my labs, it was written on a scratch paper, values only, with no indication which is which but somehow with just one look she was able to point out that i was already dehydrated. she told me to take zegen/zinnat 500mg BID for a week. i took one cap 4 hours ago and already i am now afebrile. Dr. Abarquez and I shared two years of clinical practice. I have always thought it was enough. But my encounter with Dr. V. Yu today made me feel like a volunteer nurse again. Who ever questioned the truth behind "with age comes wisdom" is just like me and Dr. Abarquez. An amateur.
im always breaking. just when one aspect of my life is mended another one breaks. its 12:46 am, first day of febuary and im running a fever. fourth day of fever, normally i would have pop pills and nurse my way through dvd's, juices, fruits and a bunch of non palatable foods but this fever is too stubborn. before this i was worrying about another thing, my finances. i managed to max out my credit card last month and surprise, my current savings couldn't keep up. was online all the time trying to get family to send me money and supportive as they are, they did. before the financial trouble it was my heart that's breaking, no need to elaborate on that.
they say its human to make mistakes, to fail to estimate. but why does it have to be a cycle? cant anyone just live maybe a day, week or a month and not worry of things going out of hand? oh yeah this things will hone us, this things will teach us, they'll make us a better person but why didn't anyone even asked us if we wanted to be hone, taught or become a better person? sometimes i think that in our lives we never get to have a say on what happens, we're just here wandering around and waiting for the next ball to hit us. it gets tiring. i want plateau. i want boring.
chinese new year is a big fuzz for pinoys. maybe because throughout the ages we've been a pansit and chapsuey loving community. admit it, whoever among us had not been in a chinese resto? yes, count chowking in. never in my entire life did i even imagine id be talking yasoi/yantao/tsi/bobe/gwatsi/tsipa/due/lame/tsalantyao. butuan is full of em, lim/yu/tiu/uy/go/lao/tong. my life would not even be the same without them. to all my chinese friends. Happy New year.
Ito ang mga huling taon ng dekada '80 at ang mga unang taon ng dekada '90. Ito ang panahong uso pa ang makiuso. Kung ginagaya mo ang style ng mga artista, hindi ka tatawaging jologs. Ito ang panahong tapos na ang martial law, pero malayo pa ang new millennium. Hindi pa high-tech pero di naman old fashioned. Saktong-sakto lang! Ito ang panahon natin. Pero pano mo malalaman kung kabilang ka sa henerasyong ito? Narito ang listahan na makapagpapatunay if you're one of us. R U?
• Paborito mong panoorin ang Shaider, Bio- man, Maskman, Mask Rider Black, Machine Man at kung ano-anong TV sitcom ng Japan na isinalin sa Tagalog. Break muna sa mga laro kapag alas singko na ng hapon tuwing Sabado dahil panahon na para sa superhero marathon.
• Alam mo ang jingle ng Nano-Nano.
• Nanood ka ng Takeshi's Castle at naniwala kang si Anjo Yllana talaga si Takeshi at si Smokey Manaloto ang kanyang alalay.
• Naglaro ka ng Shake-Shake Shampoo, Monkey-Monkey-Annabelle, Langit-Lupa, Syato, Luksong-Tinik, Luksong-Baka, 10-20 at kung ano- ano pang larong nakakapagod.
• Pumunta ang mga taga-MILO sa skul niyo at namigay sila ng samples na nakalagay sa plastic cup na kasing laki nung sa maliit na ice cream. (at nagtaka ka, bakit hindi ganito ang lasa ng MILO kapag tinitimpla ko sa bahay namin?)
• May malaking away ang mga METAL (mga punks na naka-itim) at mga HIPHOP (mga taong naka maluwang na puruntong na kahit Makita na ang dalawang bundok.) Nag-aabangan sa mall na may dalang baseball bat at kung anu-ano pang mga sandata. Sikat ang kasabihang "PUNKS NOT DEAD!"pero kung gusto mong mag play safe, pwede mong tawagin ang sarili mong HIPTAL.
• Alam mo ang universal uwian song na "Uwian na!" na kinakanta sa tono na parang doon sa kinakasal.
• Nagpauto ka sa Batibot pero hindi sa ATBP.
• Nakipag-away ka para makapaglaro ng “high-tech” na brick game. • Ang "text" noon ay mga 1"x1.5" na karton na may mga drawing ng pelikulang pinoy, may dialog pa!
• Dalawa lang ang todong sumikat na wrestler, si Hulk Hogan at si Ultimate Warrior. Naniwala ka rin na namatay si Ultimate Warrior nang buhatin niya si Andre d' Giant dahil pumutok ang mga ugat niya sa muscle.
• Nagsayaw ka ng running man at kung anu- anong dance steps na nakapagpamukha sa'yong tanga sa saliw na kantang Ice Ice Baby, Wiggle It, Pray at Can't Touch This.
• Hindi ka gaanong mahilig sa That's Entertainment at pinapanood mo lang ito tuwing Sabado kung saan nagpapagandahan ng production numbers ang Monday hanggang Friday group. (Badtrip ka sa Wednesday group dahil pinakabaduy lagi ang performance nila!)
• Kilala mo ang Smokey Mountain, (1st and 2nd generation)
• Noon, astig ka kapag umiilaw ang swelas ng sapatos mo tuwing ia-apak mo ito. Tinawag rin itong "Mighty Kid or Dino Light"
• Kung lalaki ka, sikat na sikat sa'yo ang mga larong text, jolens, dampa (mga unang anyo ng pustahan), saranggola at ang dakilang manika niyo ay si GI-JOE with alipores.
• Kung babae ka naman, ang mga laro mo with you're girlfriends ay luto-lutuan, bahay- bahayan,doktor-doktoran, at kung anu-ano pang pagkukunwari . Ang dakilang manika mo ay si Barbie. (Sikat ka kung meron kang bahay, kotse at kabaong ni Barbie.)
• Alam mo ang ibig sabihin ng "TIME FIRST!"
Bakit kaya ganon? Kahit sang lupalop ka ng Pilipinas naroon, eh nakaka-relate ka sa mga pinagsasasabi ko. Siguro'y dahil wala pang cable at kakaunti lang ang pagpipiliang channels kaya parepareho tayo ng pinapanood. Maaaring wala pang playstation kaya kung anu-ano na lang ang naiimbentong laro na pwedeng gawin sa kalsada o sa isang bakanteng lote. Pero kung ano man ang dahilan sa pagkaparepareho natin ng karanasan, masaya na rin akong naging bata ako sa panahong ito. Masarap alalahanin at balik-balikan. Di ba?
unang date: nakaupo tayo sa bench sa ilalim ng mga puno sa tapat ng starbucks gb. ikaw at ako. ng biglang dumaan itong taong may larawan sa baba. sabi ko parang kilala ko cya. sabi mo mag hi ako, sabi ko wag na kasi online ko lang naman cya kilala at duda ako na kilala nya rin ako. namilit ka at nag prisenta na batohin cya ng librong hawak ko sabay sigaw "hoy, magkakilala daw kayo!". yun ang isa sa mga unang tawa ko kasama ka. isang beses namilit akong pumunta sa may inyo, sabi mo sige, tapos nun ako ay ready na para umalis, nakasakay na ng bus at lahat bigla mo sanabing wag na lang, pagod ka na kasi, sobra, sabi mo napa oo ka lang naman kasi nakulitan ka na. wala akong nagawa kundi tumoloy na lang sa lakad ko. para naman ma feel kahit papaano ang presencya mo bumalik ako dun sa bench na yun. walang libro, wala ung mukhang nasa baba (jericho nga pala pangalan nya), wala ang bag mo na may payong, at wala ka. pero may sigarilyo naman at lighter tapos bablegam. so ayos na rin. akalain mo. may naalala pala ako.
maligayang ikaapat na mansaryo sa ikalawang date natin.
at this very moment i have a call on hold, king2x is on the next line asking me if im going out tonight. you see for me, going out is not like what some people might think it is. not out of the closet but actually what it means literally. i was not born to decline an invitation for a good friday night out. it has always been a struggle for me to stay home on weekends. one reason is i hate the tone of the voice on the other line when i actually make excuses on not being able to join them on their weekly alcohol binging. "others" that's the word most often than not, come out of their mouths. is it so hard to understand that not all people can afford to go out on a night before work? or do they actually think everyone would bend when an invitation has alcohol written all over it?
then i answered the call, king2x was only up for a chat. we did it over the phone.
Dan(1/20/2009 8:26:56 PM): If ever you'll come across this new blog dan (which is somehow impossible) -- wala daw imposible sa mundo Dan (1/20/2009 8:26:58 PM): rayn (1/20/2009 8:31:13 PM): ill hold on to the thought, walang imposible sa mundo Dan (1/20/2009 8:31:30 PM): hehe Dan (1/20/2009 8:34:10 PM): galit ka na alam ko blog mo? rayn(1/20/2009 8:34:25 PM): bat naman ako magagalit? rayn (1/20/2009 8:34:38 PM): i was surprised Dan(1/20/2009 8:34:48 PM): bakit suprised? Dan(1/20/2009 8:34:51 PM): *surprised rayn(1/20/2009 8:34:56 PM): mas may importantent issue ngaun kesa sa blog ko Dan(1/20/2009 8:35:14 PM): anu ung mas importanteng issue? rayn(1/20/2009 8:35:19 PM): ikaw rayn(1/20/2009 8:35:26 PM): tayo Dan(1/20/2009 8:35:41 PM): mga two or three weeks ago ko pa ata un nakita rayn (1/20/2009 8:36:00 PM): thru kanino? Dan (1/20/2009 8:36:14 PM): wala Dan (1/20/2009 8:36:17 PM): nakita ko lang rayn (1/20/2009 8:36:33 PM): pano nanyari un? Dan (1/20/2009 8:37:38 PM): di ko din alam rayn (1/20/2009 8:37:52 PM): huh? Dan (1/20/2009 8:39:17 PM): basta nakita ko na lang ung blog mo rayn (1/20/2009 8:39:38 PM): kulet, ganon lang un Dan (1/20/2009 8:40:24 PM): anung ganun lang un rayn (1/20/2009 8:40:52 PM): basta mo na lang nakita? Dan (1/20/2009 8:41:42 PM): yup rayn (1/20/2009 8:41:52 PM): hmmmh Dan (1/20/2009 8:42:10 PM): weird no? rayn (1/20/2009 8:42:27 PM): hindi, walang weird sa mundo Dan (1/20/2009 8:42:41 PM): weird un! rayn (1/20/2009 8:42:44 PM): hindi Dan (1/20/2009 8:42:46 PM): rayn (1/20/2009 8:42:58 PM): hindi weird un, may ibang tawag dun Dan (1/20/2009 8:43:17 PM): ano rayn (1/20/2009 8:43:35 PM): sekretong malupet rayn (1/20/2009 8:43:37 PM): haha Dan (1/20/2009 8:43:53 PM): ano nga rayn (1/20/2009 8:43:59 PM): sekreto nga Dan (1/20/2009 8:44:24 PM): ANO NGA rayn (1/20/2009 8:44:28 PM): haha rayn (1/20/2009 8:48:58 PM): Dan (1/20/2009 8:50:24 PM): wala masabi rayn (1/20/2009 8:50:40 PM): bakit? Dan (1/20/2009 8:52:57 PM): ikaw, sabi ko. wala ka masabi rayn (1/20/2009 8:53:25 PM): ano dapat kong sabihin? Dan (1/20/2009 8:56:25 PM): di ko alam Dan (1/20/2009 8:56:25 PM): hahaha rayn (1/20/2009 8:56:43 PM): andami ko na nga nasabi eh rayn (1/20/2009 8:56:54 PM): wala ng natira Dan (1/20/2009 8:57:12 PM): ows rayn (1/20/2009 8:57:36 PM): Dan(1/20/2009 8:58:34 PM): dapat pala hindi ko sinabi sayo rayn (1/20/2009 8:58:45 PM): bakit? Dan (1/20/2009 9:01:22 PM): wala lang rayn (1/20/2009 9:01:59 PM): siguro nga dapat di na Dan (1/20/2009 9:02:24 PM): bakit? rayn (1/20/2009 9:02:34 PM): wala lang Dan (1/20/2009 9:02:46 PM): k rayn (1/20/2009 10:31:18 PM): di un weird, destiny un. fate. Dan (1/20/2009 10:31:40 PM): huh? rayn (1/20/2009 10:33:02 PM): na nabasa mo blog ko Dan (1/20/2009 10:34:08 PM): nyi Dan (1/20/2009 10:34:20 PM): hahaha rayn (1/20/2009 10:34:31 PM): Dan (1/20/2009 10:48:07 PM): ayus naman ng status mo Dan (1/20/2009 10:48:07 PM): rayn (1/20/2009 10:48:20 PM): hahaha rayn (1/20/2009 10:48:26 PM): watching betty rayn (1/20/2009 10:48:43 PM): amanda is sang that to mark rayn (1/20/2009 10:48:55 PM): amanda sang that to mark***** Dan (1/20/2009 10:51:40 PM): hahaha rayn (1/20/2009 10:52:47 PM): out ka na maya2x? Dan (1/20/2009 10:52:59 PM): hindi pa Dan (1/20/2009 10:53:05 PM): baka pagpatay na ako mag out Dan (1/20/2009 10:53:07 PM): rayn (1/20/2009 10:53:07 PM): OT? Dan (1/20/2009 10:53:17 PM): ah. rayn (1/20/2009 10:53:19 PM): hahaha Dan (1/20/2009 10:53:21 PM): akala ko mag-out Dan (1/20/2009 10:53:24 PM): hahaha rayn (1/20/2009 10:53:30 PM): hahahah rayn (1/20/2009 10:53:35 PM): Dan (1/20/2009 10:56:59 PM): cge, uwi na ako Dan (1/20/2009 10:57:03 PM): ingat ryan. Dan (1/20/2009 10:57:05 PM): be safe Dan (1/20/2009 10:57:08 PM): wear a condom!