why we love sleep, again.

just before the end of shift last night. something came up, a 10 year old patient needs to be transfered to cdo early morning today. its one big irony for us to be delighted on the taught that we will be transfering a patient to another city because our physicians are rather incompetent on the presented case. we are delighted because transporting a patient means money. i had to swipe out early to get some sleep but sleep i didnt get. but then a thought came why slumber didnt visit me, i was too afraid to see the person i ended up seeing in my dreams. i didnt want to see him again frightened that i might not be able to let go. think dead-denny waiting for izzey to get back from seattle grace. pardon the comparison but this is how it is for me now. i wanted so much to lead a zen lifestyle i didnt want a stupid dream hold me back from graspin the now, the present. had i not manage to function daily i would have made a self diagnosis of clinical depression for myself because this thing had been going on for months now. on second thoughts, no, this is no denny/izzey. denny, even for awhile till he died, loved izzey. somehow he stood up and declared war with death just so as not to see a tear roll down her cheeks. he left something for her even after his death. and now he stays beside her as a product of her imagination convincing her that no matter what, he'll stay beside her. what i have in my dreams isnt a tad bit like that. its less tangible as it is in real life. even with this realization, i ask myself, why is it so hard for me to let go?

why we love sleep

officially, i have been awake for 30 hours straight. on these days i get so proud that im a nurse i seem to neglect the effects of our lifestyle to our health. at work last night i was coughing and sniffing around the ward like i needed a loading dose of steroids. aggravated with my cravings for ice cream i might as well make reservations for in-house admission. i must admit that on this particular day, i didnt mind working my brains out while im feverish. had it been any ordinary day, i would have called in sick and spent hours smoking and chattin bout rather too socially relevant topics with marco and earl. but this was no ordinary day, i know deep in my hypothalamus it wasnt. just after i had my quick dinner at michaels, aunt dely called. she was extremely pleasant. the call was brief. but with that brief catchin up, i knew, things already changed. adrian asked if i was gettin all emo-ed considering the things i just realized. i said no, it was pride who made me key in a reply that goes something like.. "no, no time for emo. this is one of the more mature things i had to decide in life, a decision devoid of emotions."

chops of wood ii

coldplay

enigma

evanescense

butterfly effect

wicker park

jose cuervo

salt

kalamansi

apples chopped bitesize

marlboro gold

5 peso lighter with a missing head

marco

edu

enzo

earl

old furniture shop

chops of wood

(would have been a perfect indie flick scene if not for marco's concern about my pending plans for manila. you can work more on the emotions marc, i know you too well bastard.)

chops of wood

grandpa woke me yesterday with a big bang and an inaudible "naka migo sa gawas nangita", the bang was followed with a sprint from my bed to the main door. i didnt go out right away since i didnt want to seem excited if ever the person in my dream seconds earlier appeared in our doorstep. i saw an unfamiliar vehicle parked right across our gate (its a major sin not to recognize someones car in this small city) and a tiny hand with tiny cigarettes waving. it couldnt be him, and really, it wasnt really him. it was neil, this visit is neither unexpected nor expected since he had mentioned crashing sometime before but was waaaaay before. since i live in a barrio, no entertainment. so i suggested we hit the road and talk. on the way downtown, he made an expected turn on a path that would double the duration of the travel, he said he wanted to revisit the bridge ( somehow a landmark for the young generation ). as he was about to talk i cut him out by suggesting he teach me how to drive. he said okay so before we know it i was already on the drivers seat and tryin to get the car started. the road is pretty wide and less visited by regular PUJ's so i was pretty confident that this stint wont be the end of us. again, like most moments precious to me, i barely recall what happened except the distinct feeling of elation that finally i was able to drive a car. i was never adventurous so this things matter to me, when i first hit the water during a scuba trip, when i first jumped from tagulahi falls and now driving a car. the experience was brief since we were headin on steep road so neil asked me to pull over (even his instructions to pull over didnt fail to make me feel jaded), i saw a chop of wood and aimed on it. i greatly missed the piece of wood but i was able to pull over safely. its like failing to do something but not regrettin since after, i remain unscathed,

balik sa pantalan, balik

balik sa pantalan, balik....

adrian: great?

adrian: kayo na ni dan?]

rayn_am: bat mo naman naisip yan?

adrian: hehe

adrian: kasi sabi mo youre gud. tapos youre great

rayn_am: hahaha

adrian: hehehe

rayn_am: dan got my present last monday

adrian: ah ok. how was it?

rayn_am: you be the judge

rayn_am: email add mo ulit?

adrian: hmmm

adrian: @gmail.com

adrian: hehehe

rayn_am: sent

rayn_am: hahahah

adrian: hahaha

adrian: ganong kalaki ba yung pic/frame?

rayn_am: yeap

adrian: i mean gaanong kalaki yun?

rayn_am: basta

rayn_am: can you send a reply so that i can get the entry back on my inbox?

rayn_am: so so what do you think?

adrian: i dont know. mahirap pa rin basahin si dan

rayn_am: hahahaha

rayn_am: kaya nga

adrian: kasi walang indication about how he feels about you. yes, he said "smiling" sya. pero did not say, i like u etc. dba. parang si sheldon

adrian: samok

rayn_am: hahaha

rayn_am: atay

adrian: hehehe. diba. parang hindi sya nageexpress about how he feels for u. puro thank u

adrian: ganun din si sheldon sakin. pruo thank u

adrian: puro thank u

rayn_am: puro thank you

rayn_am: nyeta

adrian: hehe

adrian: nako baka na-cancel-out ko yung greatness mo ngayon. sabi mo pa naman youre great

rayn_am: mao na mahadlok ko makig-storya sa imo about this

rayn_am: your points of view hit hard

rayn_am: i was about to sail again

rayn_am: then you fuckin anchor me back sa pantalan

rayn_am: yawa

rayn_am: hahahaha

adrian: haay. sorry. ganyan din kasi nangyari sakin. im just saying things from experience. be careful. hehehe

rayn_am: no need to apologize

rayn_am: salamat nga eh

adrian: hehehe

adrian: pano yan? ano plan mo? have u asked him (again) if he likes u?

rayn_am: no

rayn_am: tuloy na plans ko, submit na ako resignation early next year.

rayn_am: i dont want to ask.

wot? iii

"

I woke up late today. Yehey! Haha. It was around lunch time when I finally became conscious of the world. Last night, I already had an itinerary of what I would be doing today, which was mostly to settle my bills. After withdrawing, reviewing, and computing everything, I went to sleep already with a frightful of bills rushing at me in my dreams.

When I got down today to do my errands, there was a piece of paper in my unit box, which made me frown and think: Oh no, another bill has arrived again. Since my bills these days come anytime they feel like to arrive, I asked the guard for the piece of paper. I might as well settle it now, I thought to myself.

Ay, ser. May kasama po 'tong papel.

Blink. Blink. I looked at the guard.

Then he pointed at a package, sa inyo po yan, he said.

Huh? Ang laki! I said to myself. Sige, balikan ko na lang, I told the guard.

After running around and throwing money wherever, I went back to my place and got the package. Ohmaygad, what is this? I asked myself. This is too big for a greeting/christmas/birthday card. And with Fragile stickers all over it, it sure did pique my curiousity.

This was what greeted me after fighting my way with the masking tape:

Wow. Natalie Portman. Closer. (Drooling starts here.)

When I was about to hang it on the wall, I noticed something at the back. I was even more surprised with what I found there.

Wow. I've always been silent in my life, but if there ever was a moment that I was speechless and dumbfounded, this was it.

It was like the opening scene from the movie Closer. I felt like I was hit by something. And then you're there. Thank you. I'm smiling. And I can't stop it. :)"

-engr

la la la la

yah well your still so young
but you feel so old
its just the things you been through
that are making you cold
i think your going to turn soon
i gotta be careful with my moves
just might loose you for good
listen i cant fight your demons
cause id have to fight you
cause there so far inside you
and i just cant seem to get through
it aint none of my business
it aint none of my place
yah but i still had to try


la la la la la la la la la la

im addicted to drums

engr: mukhang nakaunlimited na naman ah. at send to all.

nurse: I love u? send to all?

engr: malay ko ba. haha

nurse: Ur unbelievable.

engr: ha ha. op kors.

nurse: maybe thats the reason why.

engr: reason why na ano?

nurse: You know what i mean. I cant humor you with a reason why i love u. In fact, i cant even humor u with anything at all.

engr: hala.ang drama.

nurse: Cant do it any other way.

engr: K

adrian: kawawa naman. kawawa naman si ryan.

nurse: its a choice to be in this situation. its a choice that im in love with him. hindi ako kawawa. if i chose to. i can get out of this. itll take awhile. itll take some effort, a lot of effort i mean. bit if theres will, i can. but i decided not to because at some point, i am happy.

wot? ii

"I can't forget this. This was sometime in September. I was going back to Manila, a bit feverish and under the weather. I arrived at my place before noon. You sent me a text message some time after lunch. You were at the airport with soup, crackers, and I don't know what else. It was supposed to be a surprise, you fetching me there at the airport. But you're the one who got surprised. If only you got your geography right. I don't know if it was Tagbilaran or some other place in Visayas that you mistook for Bicol, but you missed me by a few hours. Still, it was the sweetest thing. If I have a heart, it would've melted."

-engr

cant do it any other way

today is my third day of bummin around. i had a lot of things in mind: things to do, people to see. but theres this one thing ive been wanting to do. to actualize the early christmas/bday gift for engr. the idea started one lazy night while i was trying to organize my limited dvd collections (tv series here, films there, porns underthebed). i dont know why whenever i see any julia roberts cd im always tempted to feed it on the player and play-away. Closer (julia r and natalie p) yeah yeah. who am i kidding? maybe the urge to play it is really because i wanted to check natalie p out. she's competition. engr is, i think, determined to marry her. the film was good. i remember watchin it first time with marco, if my memory didnt fail me marco had a lot of things to say about it and as what i usually do, i nodded and agreed. the one scene where natalie is gawkin at her own sad image gave me the idea of what to give engr as a present. the movie ended. it felt like theres this lump on my chest i cannot shake off. but i just slept on it.

monday, i went to a friends shop and told him about the idea and if he could help. of course he said yes, he's going to give me a discount (was hoping it will be free). two days after i got hold of the present and i was pleased (oops, blasphemy). i brought it to work and left it there, thought there will be less meaning to the present if i give it weeks early. but knowing me, too excited to make someone feel special, i blabbed about the present to engr. i was hoping he'd also get excited but after a few lines after i mentioned the present, i lost him online, i just stared at his online icon fighting the urge to open up another topic. so there, he knows about the present, i might as well send it already.

thursday, i went to a couple of courier outlets here. theres JRS who turned me down because, they cant ship anything fragile. LBC would take the package granting i would have to get the thing crated. yeah, theres the universe again conspiring against me. downhearted, i sent a message to a friend "san ka na? i need help". she agreed to meet me and as i wait for her and binge on what tree garden has to offer i seriously thought of keepin the present and give it to him personally if i still have a chance. but again, theres no such things as the universe conspiring against ryan... may bukas pa...

action thrillers are shown for a reason

i took four days off. its my first day. after going around in circles i had to admit, i cant be this deligent with my job. months ago, its a delight for my supervisors if i get through a week without making absences. but after i got back from my rather long vacation in manila, i decided, if i want to make things happen, i got to have alota dough, so i worked days and night. not like my job will make me any richer if work hard but itll pay for my debts. then the whole hospital drama suddenly got into me. there were gunshot victims, granade blast casualties, mauling and stab victims. i know its a dangerous world out there, but can i really get through life worrying that some of those things might happen to me? getting through everyday life is already making me ill, now i have morbid thoughts everytime i go walking around the city. why would i ever think that being stabbed, mauled, shot or blasted be a possibility? its because i met someone who, even though far-fetched, is capable of doing so. i saw him get really angry and demand for his bodyguards to go get the people who got him to that angry state and bring them where we are so that he could inflict physical pain not even in my nightmare exists. i had to get down on my knees (no pun intended) and beg him to please, for goodness sake, calm down and think over the situation. i had to break down and cry. i had to walk out and hunt those people myself and keep them safe. now, as i relive the incident, if i was in the shoes of those people, will they do what i just did for them? would they get down on their knees, break down and cry, beg for someone to spare me? i had doubts. and my doubts is always never without reason. this things happened only days ago. then i had to still work. walk around the hospital with only two/three hours sleep. i thought ill be able to stand up and fight. again, i was wrong, i need this days off. to collect my thoughts, remind me that the life i had before is still around.