had to delete that line

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘.........................................................." turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

– Neil Gaiman

outside some net cafe

be honest

even if others are not

even if others will not

even if others cannot

he who walks in honesty walks securely - some proverbs




a message from: some organization of christian businessmen and professionals



some feeling i have right now.

goat with the guitar

pain. everyone has it. on my field it only takes one capsule of etericoxib to shut a pain strickens patient mouth up. on other cases it takes more than that. like the pain of loosing someone. a mentor, a friend, a mother, a lover. people cope up with pain different. some self destruct, some find a better person inside them. they say that you cannot blame a person if they do the former since no one really knows what they are going through except themselves. every experience of pain is unique, it is limiting as much as it is transcending.

life is like a dick, the harder, the better

hard times. its been almost a decade since my life got this messy and impossible. the last time is a distant memory, when i try to think about it i somehow thank the heavens it happened. i have a perception that i am what i am right now because it happened. it had defined me then but now i suddenly doubt all of it. does a situation really define someone? maybe it does but its fleeting. fleeting like orgasm, it never last.

after you realize that you are tangled on something that will take your energy trying to figure things out, you tend to take refuge on things. you look for divertion. its easier that way, i was told. but i did otherwise. i took things the harder way, and thats facing whats in front of me. and boy was I stunned. i literally broke down and cried. if i will want a situation to define me, i will choose it be against myself. an ego boosting battle with the devil that lurks beneath my skin. not something external but familial.

weeks or even days ago, when i look forward 5 to 6 months from now, i see myself out there. searching for my happiness. i even thought that i already had a glimpse of it. i am determined to be in that circle where things happen but i wont mind. a circle where i will let things pass because someone is behind if not beside me. somewhere i am invisible because i am in the presence of that someone. but now i dont know.

life got harder while my dick got limper.

Banderitas

at 24, my mom did it again. i felt like a child again weeping under a tree full of banderitas. then, i don't quite remember why i cried but i know it was because my mom did something. now, i don't know why i suddenly want to cry as grandma handed me something my mom was very hesitant to give me.

to sunshine from stranger iii

That song is the reason why my component went nuts on me last night. Siguro nagsawa cya sa pabalikbalik na kanta. You already told me once na hindi ka nga malambing. It didnt bother me before so i guess im gonna have to let it pass this time. Wala ka rin naman obligasyon na maging malambing sakin. haha. You have a gift in expressing yourself with much tact that when I read your letters, I either feel good or otherwise. Tinuturo din ba to sa admu? I sure missed a lot. haha. See you in six months then.

to stranger from sunshine ii

ang ganda naman ng song. i downloaded it sa internet. haha. sorry if i'm not exactly warm when it comes to text messages. i'm not really the malambing-type of guy. i don't know exactly how to be warm in text messages or malambing for that matter. i think that's one of the several genes i missed out when i was born. i'm not really in a rush to be in a relationship right now, which is why the six months that we'll be spending apart works for me. and i think, it should work for you as well. it'll give you time to think things over and really know where you want to be and what you really feel. and if in case before the six months is over you've found someone else, i'd be okay with that as well. that's just tough luck, but i can deal with it. i don't want to be committed with you right now, not because i'm seeing anyone or what, but because if I do so, it still makes me feel single and alone. from where i am, i cannot see much difference if i were single right now and if we were in a long-distance relationship. it'd be better for both of us to just cruise along together to wherever this may lead us. and maybe after six months, we can arrive at some destination we will both like. :)

thanks for the song.

to sunshine from stranger ii

Engr

Your response is more than what i expected. When i read your sms early today I could not help but smile. The irony of avoiding to be distracted from work with thoughts of what might and might not happen with what we have right now came minutes before I swiped in for work. Good thing i was busy. An amateur would have done a better job than what I did today. With the way i treat you in our text conversation, I now wonder if you took any of those seriously. I have always been open with what I feel for you. I can never blame you for not taking any of those things seriously since you have different views on how people like us deal with intimacy. Maybe i was wrong with my assumptions that you are self sufficient. Maybe our ideals don't meet. What i meant with the relationship-commitment line is that I want to feel warmth from you even if there is no "us". I did not blame you for being a person who is hard to love. It was me on the first place who placed this weight on my shoulder. I should have known better and not use the line. To say the you are the last person who deserve any love in this world is a big joke. Because the last time i checked you are first on my list (not like i actually have a list). I don't know why it didn't occur to me that the distance should be an issue. Maybe i was thinking way ahead (six months far) that i didn't mind what would happen in between. I should take your word that the "us" i had been wanting to have don't have any foundation to weather storms to sustain a LDR. You may not even have enough memory of me to bind me to you as a friend. But on my end, as what i have expressed on my previous letter, things are a tad different. On my end love and lust don't have interchangeable meanings. I am relieved that you didn't ask me to give up but the situation didn't really change. I am bothered why i cannot seem to keep one thing i said to you a couple of times already. That I am willing to do things your way. Maybe because I have always had an inclination to be dominant. I will not make an excuse on this. But ill do my best to stick with it. And at a pace you are comfortable with.

welcome,
nurse

COFFEE BEAN GB

going back to the corner,
where i first saw you
gonna camp in my sleeping bag,
I'm not gonna move
got some words on cardboard
got your picture in my head
saying: if you see this girl can you tell her were i am
some try to hand me money
they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
i no it makes no sense
what else can i do
and how can i move on
when I'm still in love with you

cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving

police man says son you cant stay here
i say someone I'm waiting for if its a day a month or year
got to stand my ground
even if it rains or snows
if she changes her mind
this is the first place she will go

cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving
I'm not moving

people talk about the guy
thats waiting in on a girl
woooaa wooo
There are no holes in his shoes,
but a big hole in his heart
ooooo
maybe ill get famous for the man who cant be moved
and maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
and you'd come running to the corner
cos you'll know its just for you
I'm the man who cant be moved
I'm the man who cant be moved

cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving
I'm not moving
I'm not moving

going back to the corner were i first saw you
gonna camp in my sleeping bag and I'm not gonna move

to stranger from sunshine

Hey,

Good evening. I was a bit surprised to find an email from you in downelink when you were online in ym awhile ago. I thought you were in your holiday again; refraining from texting me. Or simply ignoring me in ym. I don't know. But i've never been the first to initiate conversations, so it's okay. And I don't usually notice who comes online or offline in my ym account. but that's beside the point.

I never realized that you need me that much in your life. I'm not exactly aware of what I can give or offer you for you to need me that much. I'm struggling as well on my own, trying to get back on my feet and on more stable ground. Everyone needs someone. And I'm not exempted from that. In our last text exchange several days ago, I told you how, sometimes, it feels good to have someone to come home to and not just an empty apartment and an empty bed.

I don't know what you mean by having a real relationship even without the commitment. I thought those two come hand in hand. One cannot have a relationship without commitment; in the same way that one cannot be committed outside a relationship.

Inasmuch as I want all those things--the late night talks, long walks, early morning smoochies, and afternoon delights, as you've called them--it's hard to have them with you right now because of the distance that's between us.

We hardly know each other to be in a long-distance relationship. We have no foundation, no rock from which we can weather any storms that come with a long-distance relationship. I'd rather we keep in contact and see where this goes until such time when you can decide where you want to be, where you want to settle.

I apologize if you find me hard to love. I know, I'm probably the last person who deserves any love in this world. Whatever walls you think I seem to have around me, they're called the lessons I've learned along the way.

You know how it is for people like us. Love and lust are often interchangeable and mistaken for one another. I'm sure you've had experiences like that where things happened too fast, too soon. I don't want that happening.

I didn't know that you were holding on to me for you to let me go. But as it is, letting go is easy, what with the distance that we have right now.

I hope I haven't been the cause of your depression. Or the reason why you can't concentrate on your work. I wish you all the happiness you deserve. And if ever you come back to Manila and found someone else, I'd be happy, too.

If you're asking me to make you give up, I don't know what answer would be appropriate. That decision would have to come from you. How you would feel is a decision only you can make.

As you would've noticed by now, I've never been in a hurry to jump into a relationship. If it's only about waiting, I can wait far longer than forever. But I don't expect people to wait for me. You've always been free to choose wherever or whoever your heart will settle on.

I didn't know that I had been running on your head all this time. No wonder I'm tired and sleepy all through out the weekend. There's no pressure for you to keep in touch if it's putting too much strain on you.

Let me know what you want and what we can do for now.

Thanks,

Engr

I just want to be living as I'm dying
Just like everybody here
Just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment, every mile

-__________-

to sunshine from stranger

sunshine!

its been like what? three days? since we last had a not so eventful conversation. that night i realized that i needed you in my life more than you needed me, if you ever needed me at all. i was about to start this letter with a forwarded message but i decided against it cause i didnt want you to say na madrama na naman ako. im not calling it quits. the first time i said that i love you till now i still mean it. and i dont mean it less than then. you do what you do with your life as usual but i dont. like what youve said before, one of the reason you feel tired at the end of the day despite not doing anything is that youre constantly running around my head. and i cant settle like this. i wanted a fairy tale. i want a real relationship even without the commitment, if thats even possible. i want late night talks, early morning smoochies and afternoon delights. hahaha. in one sentence you are now thinking im expecting so much. hindi ko alam kong ano pinakain mo sakin cause the last time i remembered, all the meal i had with you eh hindi ko naman inubos, maybe my instinct told me that ill be more madly in love with you than i already am right now kung inubos ko yun. i envy you for your stable state, if ever you have that. emotionally you seem to be very self sufficient. me otherwise had to cling on the little things you do/say and make it the highlight of my existence. i need your presence, physically and in spirit. i know very little of you. if i have to put it on a genius' words "my wisdom of you is but a tea cup from a vast ocean" tama ba yun? but i really dont know why, why on earth do i feel like this towards you. una ang hirap mong mahalin, may mataas na pader na nakapalibot sayo na hindi ko magawang matibag, you live in your own little world while i wonder around in awe. last night i had a chance to see again Good Will Hunting and i took comfort trying to convince myself na siguro para kang si Will Hunting. i had to believe that you are like him than actually accept the fact that you dont and will never like me. i made a decision to let you go FOR NOW while i still have time to nurse a depress state since im still to resume work come monday. i cant afford to be this downhearted while im already working, i have a tendency to get really distracted and that cant happen with the nature of work i have. i made plans before i left manila and i intend to stick with it. you sent me a forwarded message about getting tired on loving a person who doesnt even love you back, i must say that at times i can relate to that. but never did i think to give up. ill only do that if youll ask me to. so there, im giving you a chance to ask me to give up.

"one thing about affection is that you never give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you to"

im gonna have to defy that line.

puta ang drama. hahaha

proof reader kita so bear with mistakes.

being social

last night, just as planned, i went out with marco with a bunch of his friends. i had to bring along my friends for security reasons since no one will dare to harass us knowing my friends family background. on the parking lot the two group, marco's and mine's, exchanged pleasantries. then we went on the usual drinking session we do in the only tolerable bar here in butuan. i only had light sodas since im currently on antibiotic. they passed around happy pills, believe me, i was caught off guard but since lately ive been trying to live my life to the fullest, which means tryin everything, everything, good and bad, i took a bite (no i mean swallow, or pop or whatever the term is). the pill didnt get in my system, zero. seems like the pill and the light sodas i had had an antagonistic effect. while i was enjoying the depression caused by the soda and the happy pill, everyone was all out partying, it was a big group since people had joined in the table thinking it was a conference of the present political dynasty. then the VISITORS got hungry, for food and more booze. and boy they got what they wanted, after we satisfied our craving for the former we proceed on the latter. and goodness was i shocked. they were all desperate to get a better piece of stone that i think i saw them tryin to rip each others heads off just to get the high they paid for. yeah, i dont do drugs. yeah yeah, bahala kayo kung ayaw nyo maniwala. they were all pretty wasted, earl had to run out the house to puke, marco was laughing like jimmy kimmel was in our presence, ernie was braggggggging about how rich he is, anson (the nice one) was kind enough to ask me to turn off my mobile mp3 and listen to his cooler collection of club music instead (cream? yeah its cream), cheska on the otherhand was tellin the old rich cunt lani about their family tree and which fruitful branch she was picked by anson (her husband) while flashing her, what 5 carat?, princess cut engagement ring (it was huge). imagine 5 wasted people with someone who didnt even had 5% alcohol in his system. ive always thought that marco's lifestyle in cagayan was something im going to want to experience in the future, later future, but no i dont think im born for that. his world was never meant for someone as pure-souled as me. kapal kapal kapal ko. hahahaha ,...................

di ko na matatapos to, nag message si engr sa ym... puta

Dream on

perfect physique
celebrity skin
a bank account bigger than the law should allow
a diploma from an ivy league
a socialite mom
zero memory of new years eve because i got so high
booze
sex
money
cards
a surname
an address
a drivers license that would defy DUI
a flock of ass kissing friends
a sony bravia
a brownstone on park avenue
a house at the hamptons
......
......
......
......
engr

still partying at 24

still partying at 24

half-awake i fumbled on my buzzing fon:

miscalls: earl sm
message: marco - answer your cel damit!

went back to sleep knowing marco's idea of an emergency. morning came and finally i answered his call.

nurse: yo!
marco: whats with your voice?
nurse: im sick.
marco: oh, thats bad. we're going home later with friends, party sana tayo. we'll be with ernie and this cool couple we know from here.
nurse: oh, sorry i wasnt able to answer your call lastnight damit!
marco: haha. we were suppose to go there last night but we were all so jaded and drunk that we didnt think we'll be able to drive that far.
nurse: nah mao. so unsay plan?

BROKEN

engr: wow, lahat forwarded messages.

nurse: another forwarded message:
-ryan golderberg. b ampoloquio


all this while di pa rin pala nya gets na im already fading away. mabaliwbaliw na ako sa kakatunga ng mountain dew sa garage for three days wala pa rin pala cyang alam na at the moment im considering droppin him off. anak ng pating, ano ba tong taong to? kasing kapal ng lacoste ang balat? o talagang wala lang akong halaga sa kanya na hindi nya ma gets kong ano gusto ko o pano ko gustong tumakbo tong relasyon namin, kung meron man.

i dont know why everytime i fall for someone i lose all my wits. bigla nalang akong nagiging baliw? gumagawa ng bagay na di ko naman usually ginagawa. nag-iisip ng kung ano ano na ni minsan di naman sumasagi sa isip ko pag normal ako. at nagiging taong pinakaayaw kong maging.



The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Di sapat ang pag-ibig.

pagkatapos ng medyo mahabang paligoy-ligoy at pagpapaikot-ikot, bumitaw na ako.
kailangan ko cya..
hindi nya ako kailangan..

kelangan pa bang e-memorize yan?