Thursday, June 11, 2009

between where i am and where i wanted to be

my family is one big circus. its relatively small but they occupy most of the space in my life. i love em but at times i start to wonder why so. when you place yourself in the shoes of one of the carpenters who are presently and constantly tiling our house, maybe thoughts of wanting to be one of us would never ever something to be consider. our constant raising of voices would make the walkers shy out. kitty would shut her froggish mouth if ever she hears me say "MA!". Grandpa, grandma, mother, tito's tita's and cousins. i never had brothers or sisters or a father. and never at one moment of my life did i wish for one. could things be different if ever i did? maybe. and i try to think, does being in a somehow dysfunctional family contribute to what i am right now? 8 years is maybe the longest time ive been with a group of people who call themselves family. before that there was only me and ma, then there was me and ma and stepdad. i didnt question these set ups. i didn't have a voice then. now at the age of 25, almost over with half of my lifetime, that voice is still not within me. its here somewhere but they are repressed. it once raised its tone but decided not to push further because there were great forces trying to push it down where it came from. i look around and i see clutter, inside our house, my room, my wallet and my heart. months ago someone asked me, " ask yourself what you really want and start there, you'll know what to do after ". he was wrong, i know what i really really want but the wisdom to know what to do never came. now i am confused as ever. i did things that cannot be undone, i said things that can never be taken back. hearts had been broken and egos left shattered. just before the act of starting a new beginning, the present ate away the past and rotten the future. Bless my soul, oh Lord.

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