quit the chase

now, i need to do this. i haven't thought of anything to write in the last few days. i have been again preoccupied with thoughts about dan (where we are heading, should i or should i pursue him, am i making things worse, is he really into me etc). at this moment i should have been working but instead i decided to miss my second shift because i know i can no longer function as im required to. ill be taking a 5 day off for the sinulog festival, this trip will be the make or break escapade for me. i gotta take dan out of my system, his constant wandering inside my head is not healthy. he's already making me sick. i know im a whiner, i know i tend to make things complicated and i know, that again, this thing wouldn't work. ive always been clear with what i wanted from him and our soon to be relationship. RECIPROCITY. and its clear that i'm to get it from someone else. he told me he loved me but he just isn't cut out to be romantic. the dear, babe and stranger is his inept attempt to make me feel that he's trying, well, not enough.

If ever you'll come across this new blog dan (which is somehow impossible), i want you to realize that the entire time Ive known and loved you, i had a hard time. you never made it easy for me. you didn't reach out. instead you went telling the whole world that you are not and will never be the type to fight for love. and finally admitting this and actually come to terms with how you perceive love and romance is one of the most painful things i had to endure. but then again Ive always believed that there is beauty in pain and suffering. ill enjoy this as much as i have enjoyed chasing you for the past 5 months. ill take comfort in the fact that i am able to love without reason. it is reassuring that after my struggles with caloy, i was able to stand up and again embrace you with much passion. this will remind me that after this, after i pick up the pieces and gather my thoughts, ill be able to do it over again. this journey with you is the best I've had. but now im gonna have to bury it and look forward on looking back and reflect that you made me a better person. you already know this but in case you had to delete that message im gonna immortalize it for you in this blog, i love you and i always will, i will never find anyone to love as much as i do with you and you will never find anyone who will love you like i do. salamat sa lahat.