life is like a dick, the harder, the better

hard times. its been almost a decade since my life got this messy and impossible. the last time is a distant memory, when i try to think about it i somehow thank the heavens it happened. i have a perception that i am what i am right now because it happened. it had defined me then but now i suddenly doubt all of it. does a situation really define someone? maybe it does but its fleeting. fleeting like orgasm, it never last.

after you realize that you are tangled on something that will take your energy trying to figure things out, you tend to take refuge on things. you look for divertion. its easier that way, i was told. but i did otherwise. i took things the harder way, and thats facing whats in front of me. and boy was I stunned. i literally broke down and cried. if i will want a situation to define me, i will choose it be against myself. an ego boosting battle with the devil that lurks beneath my skin. not something external but familial.

weeks or even days ago, when i look forward 5 to 6 months from now, i see myself out there. searching for my happiness. i even thought that i already had a glimpse of it. i am determined to be in that circle where things happen but i wont mind. a circle where i will let things pass because someone is behind if not beside me. somewhere i am invisible because i am in the presence of that someone. but now i dont know.

life got harder while my dick got limper.