dirty little secrets

we all have addictions. fumes and scents. and when we get to a certain age (like 25), somehow we get to handle this precious things in a manner where despite the continuous indulgence we are still able to function. and also there are times when we just cant handle it. and right now, no no no no, no way im handling my own sensibly. each and every time i get to satiate my cravings for that apple, guilt consumes me. i start to think of ways to get over it, if a stick wont do, i run for bottles, and then when all else fails i go back for another apple. sick eh?

out of my head

im not your head

You say you're leavin
As you look away
I know theres really nothin left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me


Oh and i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can't fix you i can't save you
Its something you have to do


And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me

right behind:left behind

song plays...

wasat?

talks about flicks...

wasat?

books...

wasat?

tv shows...

wasat?

melisa?

whosat?

SM premium.

un un! penge!

pilsen

there's the moon
the clouds
the lamp post
the house
the home
the dog
my room
my family
my mom

how come we get to realize how lucky we are when we are drunk.

Dead drunk.

Puke.

the E.

This is what happens. When you face life, never ever assume that there will be people who will constantly back you up in times of confusion. In a world where tens of millions of people struggle to survive there is not one soul that will readily be available if you will be needing a shoulder to cry on, a lip to give sound advices or even a liver that will filter liters of alcohol just to console you. There will always be only you. Be ready to tap yourself on the back every time you do something good, better or great. Be ready to scold your stupid self when you forget to bring ID at work or when you miss that simple instruction your immediate supervisor has given you a miniminutes ago. Although there will be kind souls who will remind you that they will be always a text away when you need them, never believe them. Because as my “sunshine” have always reiterated, words could mean a lot at one moment but what will really matter is how long will those words be kept true.

I have considered myself an aberration in human relationships. I've always believed that im the kind who will keep a promise uttered as long as my soul can hold it. My fragile human self may at times take the other path but before its too late i can oftentimes if not always gear my self back to that sacred promise. But a lot people of the souls around me operate otherwise. And its heart breaking to admit to oneself that not even your dearest of all friends can as much as give you a decent response to a simple question. Its maddening to find out that even family, after decades of living with em, can fail to anticipate your most basic of needs.

I was not clever enough to see the light in “one is born to struggle alone”.

the excape

been out most of the night. either at work or out with people i dont usually go out with. its like college, im exploring butuan all over again. the people, the custom, the locals and the expats. and somehow, its working for me. at work things are just the same but the serenity is new. no code blues, nothing toxic. but outside work, things are different. the faces are the same except for the expat who calls himself butuanon. the perspective are different, they are here but they are there (get it?). they talk different, they act different, or is it just me? am i now trying to see the light under the gloomy sky? am i now realizing that yes, i do belong here? home is home and not home is not home? everything is still all fucked up and shitty but the attitude towards the fucked up and the shitty had went upside down. im getting used to it. is it a good or bad thing? who can tell?