had to delete that line

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘.........................................................." turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

– Neil Gaiman

outside some net cafe

be honest

even if others are not

even if others will not

even if others cannot

he who walks in honesty walks securely - some proverbs




a message from: some organization of christian businessmen and professionals



some feeling i have right now.

goat with the guitar

pain. everyone has it. on my field it only takes one capsule of etericoxib to shut a pain strickens patient mouth up. on other cases it takes more than that. like the pain of loosing someone. a mentor, a friend, a mother, a lover. people cope up with pain different. some self destruct, some find a better person inside them. they say that you cannot blame a person if they do the former since no one really knows what they are going through except themselves. every experience of pain is unique, it is limiting as much as it is transcending.

life is like a dick, the harder, the better

hard times. its been almost a decade since my life got this messy and impossible. the last time is a distant memory, when i try to think about it i somehow thank the heavens it happened. i have a perception that i am what i am right now because it happened. it had defined me then but now i suddenly doubt all of it. does a situation really define someone? maybe it does but its fleeting. fleeting like orgasm, it never last.

after you realize that you are tangled on something that will take your energy trying to figure things out, you tend to take refuge on things. you look for divertion. its easier that way, i was told. but i did otherwise. i took things the harder way, and thats facing whats in front of me. and boy was I stunned. i literally broke down and cried. if i will want a situation to define me, i will choose it be against myself. an ego boosting battle with the devil that lurks beneath my skin. not something external but familial.

weeks or even days ago, when i look forward 5 to 6 months from now, i see myself out there. searching for my happiness. i even thought that i already had a glimpse of it. i am determined to be in that circle where things happen but i wont mind. a circle where i will let things pass because someone is behind if not beside me. somewhere i am invisible because i am in the presence of that someone. but now i dont know.

life got harder while my dick got limper.

Banderitas

at 24, my mom did it again. i felt like a child again weeping under a tree full of banderitas. then, i don't quite remember why i cried but i know it was because my mom did something. now, i don't know why i suddenly want to cry as grandma handed me something my mom was very hesitant to give me.

to sunshine from stranger iii

That song is the reason why my component went nuts on me last night. Siguro nagsawa cya sa pabalikbalik na kanta. You already told me once na hindi ka nga malambing. It didnt bother me before so i guess im gonna have to let it pass this time. Wala ka rin naman obligasyon na maging malambing sakin. haha. You have a gift in expressing yourself with much tact that when I read your letters, I either feel good or otherwise. Tinuturo din ba to sa admu? I sure missed a lot. haha. See you in six months then.

to stranger from sunshine ii

ang ganda naman ng song. i downloaded it sa internet. haha. sorry if i'm not exactly warm when it comes to text messages. i'm not really the malambing-type of guy. i don't know exactly how to be warm in text messages or malambing for that matter. i think that's one of the several genes i missed out when i was born. i'm not really in a rush to be in a relationship right now, which is why the six months that we'll be spending apart works for me. and i think, it should work for you as well. it'll give you time to think things over and really know where you want to be and what you really feel. and if in case before the six months is over you've found someone else, i'd be okay with that as well. that's just tough luck, but i can deal with it. i don't want to be committed with you right now, not because i'm seeing anyone or what, but because if I do so, it still makes me feel single and alone. from where i am, i cannot see much difference if i were single right now and if we were in a long-distance relationship. it'd be better for both of us to just cruise along together to wherever this may lead us. and maybe after six months, we can arrive at some destination we will both like. :)

thanks for the song.