why we love sleep, again.

just before the end of shift last night. something came up, a 10 year old patient needs to be transfered to cdo early morning today. its one big irony for us to be delighted on the taught that we will be transfering a patient to another city because our physicians are rather incompetent on the presented case. we are delighted because transporting a patient means money. i had to swipe out early to get some sleep but sleep i didnt get. but then a thought came why slumber didnt visit me, i was too afraid to see the person i ended up seeing in my dreams. i didnt want to see him again frightened that i might not be able to let go. think dead-denny waiting for izzey to get back from seattle grace. pardon the comparison but this is how it is for me now. i wanted so much to lead a zen lifestyle i didnt want a stupid dream hold me back from graspin the now, the present. had i not manage to function daily i would have made a self diagnosis of clinical depression for myself because this thing had been going on for months now. on second thoughts, no, this is no denny/izzey. denny, even for awhile till he died, loved izzey. somehow he stood up and declared war with death just so as not to see a tear roll down her cheeks. he left something for her even after his death. and now he stays beside her as a product of her imagination convincing her that no matter what, he'll stay beside her. what i have in my dreams isnt a tad bit like that. its less tangible as it is in real life. even with this realization, i ask myself, why is it so hard for me to let go?

why we love sleep

officially, i have been awake for 30 hours straight. on these days i get so proud that im a nurse i seem to neglect the effects of our lifestyle to our health. at work last night i was coughing and sniffing around the ward like i needed a loading dose of steroids. aggravated with my cravings for ice cream i might as well make reservations for in-house admission. i must admit that on this particular day, i didnt mind working my brains out while im feverish. had it been any ordinary day, i would have called in sick and spent hours smoking and chattin bout rather too socially relevant topics with marco and earl. but this was no ordinary day, i know deep in my hypothalamus it wasnt. just after i had my quick dinner at michaels, aunt dely called. she was extremely pleasant. the call was brief. but with that brief catchin up, i knew, things already changed. adrian asked if i was gettin all emo-ed considering the things i just realized. i said no, it was pride who made me key in a reply that goes something like.. "no, no time for emo. this is one of the more mature things i had to decide in life, a decision devoid of emotions."

chops of wood ii

coldplay

enigma

evanescense

butterfly effect

wicker park

jose cuervo

salt

kalamansi

apples chopped bitesize

marlboro gold

5 peso lighter with a missing head

marco

edu

enzo

earl

old furniture shop

chops of wood

(would have been a perfect indie flick scene if not for marco's concern about my pending plans for manila. you can work more on the emotions marc, i know you too well bastard.)

chops of wood

grandpa woke me yesterday with a big bang and an inaudible "naka migo sa gawas nangita", the bang was followed with a sprint from my bed to the main door. i didnt go out right away since i didnt want to seem excited if ever the person in my dream seconds earlier appeared in our doorstep. i saw an unfamiliar vehicle parked right across our gate (its a major sin not to recognize someones car in this small city) and a tiny hand with tiny cigarettes waving. it couldnt be him, and really, it wasnt really him. it was neil, this visit is neither unexpected nor expected since he had mentioned crashing sometime before but was waaaaay before. since i live in a barrio, no entertainment. so i suggested we hit the road and talk. on the way downtown, he made an expected turn on a path that would double the duration of the travel, he said he wanted to revisit the bridge ( somehow a landmark for the young generation ). as he was about to talk i cut him out by suggesting he teach me how to drive. he said okay so before we know it i was already on the drivers seat and tryin to get the car started. the road is pretty wide and less visited by regular PUJ's so i was pretty confident that this stint wont be the end of us. again, like most moments precious to me, i barely recall what happened except the distinct feeling of elation that finally i was able to drive a car. i was never adventurous so this things matter to me, when i first hit the water during a scuba trip, when i first jumped from tagulahi falls and now driving a car. the experience was brief since we were headin on steep road so neil asked me to pull over (even his instructions to pull over didnt fail to make me feel jaded), i saw a chop of wood and aimed on it. i greatly missed the piece of wood but i was able to pull over safely. its like failing to do something but not regrettin since after, i remain unscathed,

balik sa pantalan, balik

balik sa pantalan, balik....

adrian: great?

adrian: kayo na ni dan?]

rayn_am: bat mo naman naisip yan?

adrian: hehe

adrian: kasi sabi mo youre gud. tapos youre great

rayn_am: hahaha

adrian: hehehe

rayn_am: dan got my present last monday

adrian: ah ok. how was it?

rayn_am: you be the judge

rayn_am: email add mo ulit?

adrian: hmmm

adrian: @gmail.com

adrian: hehehe

rayn_am: sent

rayn_am: hahahah

adrian: hahaha

adrian: ganong kalaki ba yung pic/frame?

rayn_am: yeap

adrian: i mean gaanong kalaki yun?

rayn_am: basta

rayn_am: can you send a reply so that i can get the entry back on my inbox?

rayn_am: so so what do you think?

adrian: i dont know. mahirap pa rin basahin si dan

rayn_am: hahahaha

rayn_am: kaya nga

adrian: kasi walang indication about how he feels about you. yes, he said "smiling" sya. pero did not say, i like u etc. dba. parang si sheldon

adrian: samok

rayn_am: hahaha

rayn_am: atay

adrian: hehehe. diba. parang hindi sya nageexpress about how he feels for u. puro thank u

adrian: ganun din si sheldon sakin. pruo thank u

adrian: puro thank u

rayn_am: puro thank you

rayn_am: nyeta

adrian: hehe

adrian: nako baka na-cancel-out ko yung greatness mo ngayon. sabi mo pa naman youre great

rayn_am: mao na mahadlok ko makig-storya sa imo about this

rayn_am: your points of view hit hard

rayn_am: i was about to sail again

rayn_am: then you fuckin anchor me back sa pantalan

rayn_am: yawa

rayn_am: hahahaha

adrian: haay. sorry. ganyan din kasi nangyari sakin. im just saying things from experience. be careful. hehehe

rayn_am: no need to apologize

rayn_am: salamat nga eh

adrian: hehehe

adrian: pano yan? ano plan mo? have u asked him (again) if he likes u?

rayn_am: no

rayn_am: tuloy na plans ko, submit na ako resignation early next year.

rayn_am: i dont want to ask.

wot? iii

"

I woke up late today. Yehey! Haha. It was around lunch time when I finally became conscious of the world. Last night, I already had an itinerary of what I would be doing today, which was mostly to settle my bills. After withdrawing, reviewing, and computing everything, I went to sleep already with a frightful of bills rushing at me in my dreams.

When I got down today to do my errands, there was a piece of paper in my unit box, which made me frown and think: Oh no, another bill has arrived again. Since my bills these days come anytime they feel like to arrive, I asked the guard for the piece of paper. I might as well settle it now, I thought to myself.

Ay, ser. May kasama po 'tong papel.

Blink. Blink. I looked at the guard.

Then he pointed at a package, sa inyo po yan, he said.

Huh? Ang laki! I said to myself. Sige, balikan ko na lang, I told the guard.

After running around and throwing money wherever, I went back to my place and got the package. Ohmaygad, what is this? I asked myself. This is too big for a greeting/christmas/birthday card. And with Fragile stickers all over it, it sure did pique my curiousity.

This was what greeted me after fighting my way with the masking tape:

Wow. Natalie Portman. Closer. (Drooling starts here.)

When I was about to hang it on the wall, I noticed something at the back. I was even more surprised with what I found there.

Wow. I've always been silent in my life, but if there ever was a moment that I was speechless and dumbfounded, this was it.

It was like the opening scene from the movie Closer. I felt like I was hit by something. And then you're there. Thank you. I'm smiling. And I can't stop it. :)"

-engr

la la la la

yah well your still so young
but you feel so old
its just the things you been through
that are making you cold
i think your going to turn soon
i gotta be careful with my moves
just might loose you for good
listen i cant fight your demons
cause id have to fight you
cause there so far inside you
and i just cant seem to get through
it aint none of my business
it aint none of my place
yah but i still had to try


la la la la la la la la la la

im addicted to drums

engr: mukhang nakaunlimited na naman ah. at send to all.

nurse: I love u? send to all?

engr: malay ko ba. haha

nurse: Ur unbelievable.

engr: ha ha. op kors.

nurse: maybe thats the reason why.

engr: reason why na ano?

nurse: You know what i mean. I cant humor you with a reason why i love u. In fact, i cant even humor u with anything at all.

engr: hala.ang drama.

nurse: Cant do it any other way.

engr: K

adrian: kawawa naman. kawawa naman si ryan.

nurse: its a choice to be in this situation. its a choice that im in love with him. hindi ako kawawa. if i chose to. i can get out of this. itll take awhile. itll take some effort, a lot of effort i mean. bit if theres will, i can. but i decided not to because at some point, i am happy.

wot? ii

"I can't forget this. This was sometime in September. I was going back to Manila, a bit feverish and under the weather. I arrived at my place before noon. You sent me a text message some time after lunch. You were at the airport with soup, crackers, and I don't know what else. It was supposed to be a surprise, you fetching me there at the airport. But you're the one who got surprised. If only you got your geography right. I don't know if it was Tagbilaran or some other place in Visayas that you mistook for Bicol, but you missed me by a few hours. Still, it was the sweetest thing. If I have a heart, it would've melted."

-engr

cant do it any other way

today is my third day of bummin around. i had a lot of things in mind: things to do, people to see. but theres this one thing ive been wanting to do. to actualize the early christmas/bday gift for engr. the idea started one lazy night while i was trying to organize my limited dvd collections (tv series here, films there, porns underthebed). i dont know why whenever i see any julia roberts cd im always tempted to feed it on the player and play-away. Closer (julia r and natalie p) yeah yeah. who am i kidding? maybe the urge to play it is really because i wanted to check natalie p out. she's competition. engr is, i think, determined to marry her. the film was good. i remember watchin it first time with marco, if my memory didnt fail me marco had a lot of things to say about it and as what i usually do, i nodded and agreed. the one scene where natalie is gawkin at her own sad image gave me the idea of what to give engr as a present. the movie ended. it felt like theres this lump on my chest i cannot shake off. but i just slept on it.

monday, i went to a friends shop and told him about the idea and if he could help. of course he said yes, he's going to give me a discount (was hoping it will be free). two days after i got hold of the present and i was pleased (oops, blasphemy). i brought it to work and left it there, thought there will be less meaning to the present if i give it weeks early. but knowing me, too excited to make someone feel special, i blabbed about the present to engr. i was hoping he'd also get excited but after a few lines after i mentioned the present, i lost him online, i just stared at his online icon fighting the urge to open up another topic. so there, he knows about the present, i might as well send it already.

thursday, i went to a couple of courier outlets here. theres JRS who turned me down because, they cant ship anything fragile. LBC would take the package granting i would have to get the thing crated. yeah, theres the universe again conspiring against me. downhearted, i sent a message to a friend "san ka na? i need help". she agreed to meet me and as i wait for her and binge on what tree garden has to offer i seriously thought of keepin the present and give it to him personally if i still have a chance. but again, theres no such things as the universe conspiring against ryan... may bukas pa...

action thrillers are shown for a reason

i took four days off. its my first day. after going around in circles i had to admit, i cant be this deligent with my job. months ago, its a delight for my supervisors if i get through a week without making absences. but after i got back from my rather long vacation in manila, i decided, if i want to make things happen, i got to have alota dough, so i worked days and night. not like my job will make me any richer if work hard but itll pay for my debts. then the whole hospital drama suddenly got into me. there were gunshot victims, granade blast casualties, mauling and stab victims. i know its a dangerous world out there, but can i really get through life worrying that some of those things might happen to me? getting through everyday life is already making me ill, now i have morbid thoughts everytime i go walking around the city. why would i ever think that being stabbed, mauled, shot or blasted be a possibility? its because i met someone who, even though far-fetched, is capable of doing so. i saw him get really angry and demand for his bodyguards to go get the people who got him to that angry state and bring them where we are so that he could inflict physical pain not even in my nightmare exists. i had to get down on my knees (no pun intended) and beg him to please, for goodness sake, calm down and think over the situation. i had to break down and cry. i had to walk out and hunt those people myself and keep them safe. now, as i relive the incident, if i was in the shoes of those people, will they do what i just did for them? would they get down on their knees, break down and cry, beg for someone to spare me? i had doubts. and my doubts is always never without reason. this things happened only days ago. then i had to still work. walk around the hospital with only two/three hours sleep. i thought ill be able to stand up and fight. again, i was wrong, i need this days off. to collect my thoughts, remind me that the life i had before is still around.

the tale

we met online. traditional. i used to keep this online social circle account. the usual, i browse on the faces and see if there is anyone distinct than the anime looking guys who doesnt know what the true purpose of hair wax is (dont ask me, di ko rin alam). ayun cya, skin head, i was never into them, wide smile, im a sucker for people with one, (think julia r.) and a foreign headline. if knowing how to speak, write and undestand three languages counts as being a linguists i might well be am. thats visayan, tagalog and english (wink). and his headline was french. im not known for my wits by im street smart. so what i did was of course crash on dictionary.com. i translated his headline and answered him back with what the translator engine provided. gotcha! kumagat. i dont know if he was really interested that i know how to speak the language or was he just playing with me. we exchanged lines, and since then i knew, there was something about this person. i dont know how we got into exchanging sms after that. but what i knew was everytime he does the "gandang gabi ryan" stint, i usually get that chuck bass' feeling (yeah, find out). twice, i went to manila and took my chance if maybe we could hang out and finally meet. i was turned down the first time. while on the second, after much coercion, he finally agreed. i once told him that i didnt have a memory on what we talked about when we first met. yeah, i dont know bakit but all that comes to mind whenever i look back on that day was his smile. my fondness for him is now travelling a long way since that day. blue blue caravan.

i had waited a couple of weeks before we were able to meet again. he has this schedule only his friends can break into. many times did i try but to no effort can somehow get through. when i found out i was leaving back home soon, i got restless. i need to see him. but how? finally, he offered. dinner daw before i leave. and if paulo coelho was right about the universe conspiring for you to get what you want, maybe the universe was not on my side that time. i was nursing a fever and to make things worse. it rained. not rain rain. but flood rain. but then theres no such thing as universe against me if i really really want something. so i took a couple of anti-pyretics and headed to makati. powerbooks. yeah, he loves the place so i agreed on meeting him there. might as well love the places he loves. then there was dinner, good thing TGIfridays wasnt that packed or people might think he was dating a charity case. i dont know but i really didnt feel good that day. i didnt feel good inside out so that means physically, maybe i was not on my best that day. but he was there, simple and cofident. i asked him for the second time to please order for us. as he was doing so i was again amazed on how he talked with the person who waited at our table. the first time i brushed it off as maybe pride but this time, i think that was getting-used-to-having-people-wait-at-my-table aura. its one of the reasons why i had second thoughts on should i date this guy again. the metro belongs to him, coffee bean is common place, powerbooks is home and greenbelt is a playground. but hell cares, when i first saw him, i knew, he's going to break my heart. might as well jump and experience it than wonder all my life how it feels to have my heart broken by someone like him.

lets go back to the details of that night. this time, not like the first date, when i look back on that day i remember things. how he took pictures of me and how i failed to take pictures of him. how i told him i was on the wrong side of the table (i was supposed to sit by his side just like the other ex-men couple who is, according to him, is also on a date.) how i wanted to grab his hand under the table but decided against it for he might think im pervert. how we, aherm, walked under the pouring rain sharing his umbrella. if not for him i would have cursed the heavens but he was by my side, his hands brushing mine, nothing else on earth could matter. i wanted to wrap my arms around him and protect him from the rain (he said later on he wanted to hold my hand but there was someone at our back). how we argued on who's to take the cab first. i won and saw him get into his cab home, but after seein him leave, thoughts on how it will feel like to be the one to leave lingered. i should have took that cab coz maybe, even fleeting, ill feel the contentment on getting ahead and not look back.

some plans are not destined to be actualized

the following post contains the details i will remember about engr..


i made plans...

but a call is about to be made...

it will put into place everything...

if really...

the things i have in mind...

will continue to be just a dream...

wot?

"Out of the billions of people in the planet (what's the latest count, we're 9 billion?), how do you get singled out by someone from the rest?

You're you, just doesn't cut it out. I don't know, is a very vague reply. Maybe it is rationalizing. Maybe it is making sense of something that doesn't make a lot of sense.

So tell me, how did you fall in love with me?

I'm no different than the rest of them. There are a lot of guys better than me physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc-ally. In fact, I'm worse than a lot of them. In more ways than you can imagine.

When you tell me that you love me, I wish you can tell me why.

Humor me with a reason."

-engr

somehow I am happy

he was my north, my south, my east, and west; my working week and my sunday rest; my noon,my midnight, my talk, my song; i thought love would last forever, I was wrong.

all souls day

there are days when i make excuses to my friends not to be around them and on this particular day im glad i did. i woke up past two hours past noon and i was determined not to hit the showers if not for the constant bugging of my subconcious that it is sunday and i need to hear mass. im that person who dresses up on sundays. semi-formal, long sleeves, black shoes and a hanky. (oo, hindi ako nagdadala ng panyo on regular days). and then the homily started and i felt like the most underdressed person present that night.the priest talked about sainthood. he emphasized that everyone is called to be a saint. and he's explaination on how was quite simple. doctrines, morals and faith. the first was a total blur, the second oftentimes shouts on my me but fails to catch my attention, and third is something my mom never explained to me but my education was kind enough to elaborate.

had to delete that line

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘.........................................................." turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

– Neil Gaiman

outside some net cafe

be honest

even if others are not

even if others will not

even if others cannot

he who walks in honesty walks securely - some proverbs




a message from: some organization of christian businessmen and professionals



some feeling i have right now.

goat with the guitar

pain. everyone has it. on my field it only takes one capsule of etericoxib to shut a pain strickens patient mouth up. on other cases it takes more than that. like the pain of loosing someone. a mentor, a friend, a mother, a lover. people cope up with pain different. some self destruct, some find a better person inside them. they say that you cannot blame a person if they do the former since no one really knows what they are going through except themselves. every experience of pain is unique, it is limiting as much as it is transcending.

life is like a dick, the harder, the better

hard times. its been almost a decade since my life got this messy and impossible. the last time is a distant memory, when i try to think about it i somehow thank the heavens it happened. i have a perception that i am what i am right now because it happened. it had defined me then but now i suddenly doubt all of it. does a situation really define someone? maybe it does but its fleeting. fleeting like orgasm, it never last.

after you realize that you are tangled on something that will take your energy trying to figure things out, you tend to take refuge on things. you look for divertion. its easier that way, i was told. but i did otherwise. i took things the harder way, and thats facing whats in front of me. and boy was I stunned. i literally broke down and cried. if i will want a situation to define me, i will choose it be against myself. an ego boosting battle with the devil that lurks beneath my skin. not something external but familial.

weeks or even days ago, when i look forward 5 to 6 months from now, i see myself out there. searching for my happiness. i even thought that i already had a glimpse of it. i am determined to be in that circle where things happen but i wont mind. a circle where i will let things pass because someone is behind if not beside me. somewhere i am invisible because i am in the presence of that someone. but now i dont know.

life got harder while my dick got limper.

Banderitas

at 24, my mom did it again. i felt like a child again weeping under a tree full of banderitas. then, i don't quite remember why i cried but i know it was because my mom did something. now, i don't know why i suddenly want to cry as grandma handed me something my mom was very hesitant to give me.

to sunshine from stranger iii

That song is the reason why my component went nuts on me last night. Siguro nagsawa cya sa pabalikbalik na kanta. You already told me once na hindi ka nga malambing. It didnt bother me before so i guess im gonna have to let it pass this time. Wala ka rin naman obligasyon na maging malambing sakin. haha. You have a gift in expressing yourself with much tact that when I read your letters, I either feel good or otherwise. Tinuturo din ba to sa admu? I sure missed a lot. haha. See you in six months then.

to stranger from sunshine ii

ang ganda naman ng song. i downloaded it sa internet. haha. sorry if i'm not exactly warm when it comes to text messages. i'm not really the malambing-type of guy. i don't know exactly how to be warm in text messages or malambing for that matter. i think that's one of the several genes i missed out when i was born. i'm not really in a rush to be in a relationship right now, which is why the six months that we'll be spending apart works for me. and i think, it should work for you as well. it'll give you time to think things over and really know where you want to be and what you really feel. and if in case before the six months is over you've found someone else, i'd be okay with that as well. that's just tough luck, but i can deal with it. i don't want to be committed with you right now, not because i'm seeing anyone or what, but because if I do so, it still makes me feel single and alone. from where i am, i cannot see much difference if i were single right now and if we were in a long-distance relationship. it'd be better for both of us to just cruise along together to wherever this may lead us. and maybe after six months, we can arrive at some destination we will both like. :)

thanks for the song.

to sunshine from stranger ii

Engr

Your response is more than what i expected. When i read your sms early today I could not help but smile. The irony of avoiding to be distracted from work with thoughts of what might and might not happen with what we have right now came minutes before I swiped in for work. Good thing i was busy. An amateur would have done a better job than what I did today. With the way i treat you in our text conversation, I now wonder if you took any of those seriously. I have always been open with what I feel for you. I can never blame you for not taking any of those things seriously since you have different views on how people like us deal with intimacy. Maybe i was wrong with my assumptions that you are self sufficient. Maybe our ideals don't meet. What i meant with the relationship-commitment line is that I want to feel warmth from you even if there is no "us". I did not blame you for being a person who is hard to love. It was me on the first place who placed this weight on my shoulder. I should have known better and not use the line. To say the you are the last person who deserve any love in this world is a big joke. Because the last time i checked you are first on my list (not like i actually have a list). I don't know why it didn't occur to me that the distance should be an issue. Maybe i was thinking way ahead (six months far) that i didn't mind what would happen in between. I should take your word that the "us" i had been wanting to have don't have any foundation to weather storms to sustain a LDR. You may not even have enough memory of me to bind me to you as a friend. But on my end, as what i have expressed on my previous letter, things are a tad different. On my end love and lust don't have interchangeable meanings. I am relieved that you didn't ask me to give up but the situation didn't really change. I am bothered why i cannot seem to keep one thing i said to you a couple of times already. That I am willing to do things your way. Maybe because I have always had an inclination to be dominant. I will not make an excuse on this. But ill do my best to stick with it. And at a pace you are comfortable with.

welcome,
nurse

COFFEE BEAN GB

going back to the corner,
where i first saw you
gonna camp in my sleeping bag,
I'm not gonna move
got some words on cardboard
got your picture in my head
saying: if you see this girl can you tell her were i am
some try to hand me money
they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
i no it makes no sense
what else can i do
and how can i move on
when I'm still in love with you

cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving

police man says son you cant stay here
i say someone I'm waiting for if its a day a month or year
got to stand my ground
even if it rains or snows
if she changes her mind
this is the first place she will go

cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving
I'm not moving

people talk about the guy
thats waiting in on a girl
woooaa wooo
There are no holes in his shoes,
but a big hole in his heart
ooooo
maybe ill get famous for the man who cant be moved
and maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
and you'd come running to the corner
cos you'll know its just for you
I'm the man who cant be moved
I'm the man who cant be moved

cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving
I'm not moving
I'm not moving

going back to the corner were i first saw you
gonna camp in my sleeping bag and I'm not gonna move

to stranger from sunshine

Hey,

Good evening. I was a bit surprised to find an email from you in downelink when you were online in ym awhile ago. I thought you were in your holiday again; refraining from texting me. Or simply ignoring me in ym. I don't know. But i've never been the first to initiate conversations, so it's okay. And I don't usually notice who comes online or offline in my ym account. but that's beside the point.

I never realized that you need me that much in your life. I'm not exactly aware of what I can give or offer you for you to need me that much. I'm struggling as well on my own, trying to get back on my feet and on more stable ground. Everyone needs someone. And I'm not exempted from that. In our last text exchange several days ago, I told you how, sometimes, it feels good to have someone to come home to and not just an empty apartment and an empty bed.

I don't know what you mean by having a real relationship even without the commitment. I thought those two come hand in hand. One cannot have a relationship without commitment; in the same way that one cannot be committed outside a relationship.

Inasmuch as I want all those things--the late night talks, long walks, early morning smoochies, and afternoon delights, as you've called them--it's hard to have them with you right now because of the distance that's between us.

We hardly know each other to be in a long-distance relationship. We have no foundation, no rock from which we can weather any storms that come with a long-distance relationship. I'd rather we keep in contact and see where this goes until such time when you can decide where you want to be, where you want to settle.

I apologize if you find me hard to love. I know, I'm probably the last person who deserves any love in this world. Whatever walls you think I seem to have around me, they're called the lessons I've learned along the way.

You know how it is for people like us. Love and lust are often interchangeable and mistaken for one another. I'm sure you've had experiences like that where things happened too fast, too soon. I don't want that happening.

I didn't know that you were holding on to me for you to let me go. But as it is, letting go is easy, what with the distance that we have right now.

I hope I haven't been the cause of your depression. Or the reason why you can't concentrate on your work. I wish you all the happiness you deserve. And if ever you come back to Manila and found someone else, I'd be happy, too.

If you're asking me to make you give up, I don't know what answer would be appropriate. That decision would have to come from you. How you would feel is a decision only you can make.

As you would've noticed by now, I've never been in a hurry to jump into a relationship. If it's only about waiting, I can wait far longer than forever. But I don't expect people to wait for me. You've always been free to choose wherever or whoever your heart will settle on.

I didn't know that I had been running on your head all this time. No wonder I'm tired and sleepy all through out the weekend. There's no pressure for you to keep in touch if it's putting too much strain on you.

Let me know what you want and what we can do for now.

Thanks,

Engr

I just want to be living as I'm dying
Just like everybody here
Just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment, every mile

-__________-

to sunshine from stranger

sunshine!

its been like what? three days? since we last had a not so eventful conversation. that night i realized that i needed you in my life more than you needed me, if you ever needed me at all. i was about to start this letter with a forwarded message but i decided against it cause i didnt want you to say na madrama na naman ako. im not calling it quits. the first time i said that i love you till now i still mean it. and i dont mean it less than then. you do what you do with your life as usual but i dont. like what youve said before, one of the reason you feel tired at the end of the day despite not doing anything is that youre constantly running around my head. and i cant settle like this. i wanted a fairy tale. i want a real relationship even without the commitment, if thats even possible. i want late night talks, early morning smoochies and afternoon delights. hahaha. in one sentence you are now thinking im expecting so much. hindi ko alam kong ano pinakain mo sakin cause the last time i remembered, all the meal i had with you eh hindi ko naman inubos, maybe my instinct told me that ill be more madly in love with you than i already am right now kung inubos ko yun. i envy you for your stable state, if ever you have that. emotionally you seem to be very self sufficient. me otherwise had to cling on the little things you do/say and make it the highlight of my existence. i need your presence, physically and in spirit. i know very little of you. if i have to put it on a genius' words "my wisdom of you is but a tea cup from a vast ocean" tama ba yun? but i really dont know why, why on earth do i feel like this towards you. una ang hirap mong mahalin, may mataas na pader na nakapalibot sayo na hindi ko magawang matibag, you live in your own little world while i wonder around in awe. last night i had a chance to see again Good Will Hunting and i took comfort trying to convince myself na siguro para kang si Will Hunting. i had to believe that you are like him than actually accept the fact that you dont and will never like me. i made a decision to let you go FOR NOW while i still have time to nurse a depress state since im still to resume work come monday. i cant afford to be this downhearted while im already working, i have a tendency to get really distracted and that cant happen with the nature of work i have. i made plans before i left manila and i intend to stick with it. you sent me a forwarded message about getting tired on loving a person who doesnt even love you back, i must say that at times i can relate to that. but never did i think to give up. ill only do that if youll ask me to. so there, im giving you a chance to ask me to give up.

"one thing about affection is that you never give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you to"

im gonna have to defy that line.

puta ang drama. hahaha

proof reader kita so bear with mistakes.

being social

last night, just as planned, i went out with marco with a bunch of his friends. i had to bring along my friends for security reasons since no one will dare to harass us knowing my friends family background. on the parking lot the two group, marco's and mine's, exchanged pleasantries. then we went on the usual drinking session we do in the only tolerable bar here in butuan. i only had light sodas since im currently on antibiotic. they passed around happy pills, believe me, i was caught off guard but since lately ive been trying to live my life to the fullest, which means tryin everything, everything, good and bad, i took a bite (no i mean swallow, or pop or whatever the term is). the pill didnt get in my system, zero. seems like the pill and the light sodas i had had an antagonistic effect. while i was enjoying the depression caused by the soda and the happy pill, everyone was all out partying, it was a big group since people had joined in the table thinking it was a conference of the present political dynasty. then the VISITORS got hungry, for food and more booze. and boy they got what they wanted, after we satisfied our craving for the former we proceed on the latter. and goodness was i shocked. they were all desperate to get a better piece of stone that i think i saw them tryin to rip each others heads off just to get the high they paid for. yeah, i dont do drugs. yeah yeah, bahala kayo kung ayaw nyo maniwala. they were all pretty wasted, earl had to run out the house to puke, marco was laughing like jimmy kimmel was in our presence, ernie was braggggggging about how rich he is, anson (the nice one) was kind enough to ask me to turn off my mobile mp3 and listen to his cooler collection of club music instead (cream? yeah its cream), cheska on the otherhand was tellin the old rich cunt lani about their family tree and which fruitful branch she was picked by anson (her husband) while flashing her, what 5 carat?, princess cut engagement ring (it was huge). imagine 5 wasted people with someone who didnt even had 5% alcohol in his system. ive always thought that marco's lifestyle in cagayan was something im going to want to experience in the future, later future, but no i dont think im born for that. his world was never meant for someone as pure-souled as me. kapal kapal kapal ko. hahahaha ,...................

di ko na matatapos to, nag message si engr sa ym... puta

Dream on

perfect physique
celebrity skin
a bank account bigger than the law should allow
a diploma from an ivy league
a socialite mom
zero memory of new years eve because i got so high
booze
sex
money
cards
a surname
an address
a drivers license that would defy DUI
a flock of ass kissing friends
a sony bravia
a brownstone on park avenue
a house at the hamptons
......
......
......
......
engr

still partying at 24

still partying at 24

half-awake i fumbled on my buzzing fon:

miscalls: earl sm
message: marco - answer your cel damit!

went back to sleep knowing marco's idea of an emergency. morning came and finally i answered his call.

nurse: yo!
marco: whats with your voice?
nurse: im sick.
marco: oh, thats bad. we're going home later with friends, party sana tayo. we'll be with ernie and this cool couple we know from here.
nurse: oh, sorry i wasnt able to answer your call lastnight damit!
marco: haha. we were suppose to go there last night but we were all so jaded and drunk that we didnt think we'll be able to drive that far.
nurse: nah mao. so unsay plan?

BROKEN

engr: wow, lahat forwarded messages.

nurse: another forwarded message:
-ryan golderberg. b ampoloquio


all this while di pa rin pala nya gets na im already fading away. mabaliwbaliw na ako sa kakatunga ng mountain dew sa garage for three days wala pa rin pala cyang alam na at the moment im considering droppin him off. anak ng pating, ano ba tong taong to? kasing kapal ng lacoste ang balat? o talagang wala lang akong halaga sa kanya na hindi nya ma gets kong ano gusto ko o pano ko gustong tumakbo tong relasyon namin, kung meron man.

i dont know why everytime i fall for someone i lose all my wits. bigla nalang akong nagiging baliw? gumagawa ng bagay na di ko naman usually ginagawa. nag-iisip ng kung ano ano na ni minsan di naman sumasagi sa isip ko pag normal ako. at nagiging taong pinakaayaw kong maging.



The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Di sapat ang pag-ibig.

pagkatapos ng medyo mahabang paligoy-ligoy at pagpapaikot-ikot, bumitaw na ako.
kailangan ko cya..
hindi nya ako kailangan..

kelangan pa bang e-memorize yan?

After four bottles of beer.

after four bottles of beer and more than tolerable songs from the ogre-went-wild band i streamed songs thru sms:

nurse: loving you is all that means to me...

nurse: even though we aint seen each other in a while, you will always be my boo...

engr: drama. haha

nurse: huh? wala naman kinalaman satin dalawa un. haha

nurse: i love you more today than yesterday but dan not as much as tommorrow.. waaat?

engr: di ko gets.

nurse: wag mo na igets, damahin mo na lang.

(nurse scans on the sent msgs wondering what message did engr not get)

nurse: i love you more today than yesterday but DANIEL not as much as tom.

silence.....

silence.....

(umalis kami ng marina at naglakad sa bay park)
(si genesis tumalon sa batohan, he lost his front tooth and cracked another one)
(dugo dugo dugo, i handed him my hanky)

silence....

(hinatid namin si genesis sa bahay nila, he, together with his family is bound for canada later at 12 noon)
(when his father saw him, gusto pa nyang pasabugin ang mukha nya)

silence....

(i called it a night and went home)

silence...

silence...

12noon

silence...

silence....

silence...

2:58 pm

beep beep

(i hurriedly reached for my fone)

2870: your unlitxt80 has already expired......

HOPELESS

nurse: hahaha. engineer at nurse, tingin mo bagay?

engr: lethal combo. hahaha

nurse: for others or sa isat-isa?

engr: sa isat isa. haha

nurse: ano un? hancock. un talaga tingin mo?

engr: haha. joke lang un.

nurse: ows?

engr. oo. malamang bagay un. explosive combo nga. super hot combo. haha

........................................................................................................................

nurse: getting ready na para sa trip o kelangan pa rin ng small cup?

engr: kelangan pa rin ng small cup.

nurse: d na kelangan nyan. andito naman ako.

engr: haha. ano naman gagawin mo?

nurse: uh. secret.

.........................................................................................................................

nurse: kiss na smiley (i dont know how to make one)

engr: nagnakaw ka na naman ng halik. soli mo. haha

nurse: wag this time pde?

engr: haha okay.

nurse: asa manla ka na?

engr: yup. taxi na.

nurse: huh? sure?

engr: yup.

nurse: sbi kc dito 18:42 eta ng flyt from kalibo. cebu pacific ka?

engr: yup cebu pacific. 1:20 pm ung flyt. nadelay lang, un ndi po ako taga kalibo, aklan. bka ibang dine-date m un. hehe

nurse: andito ako terminal 2. my bad

engr: Nyay! hndi naman po ako taga kalibo. bat di mo cnabi na pupunta ka?waaah

nurse: ako ang nasurprise. haha

engr: haha. bat kalibo?

nurse: i asked dito ano galing ng bicol, sabi nila kalibo.

engr: nyi. nsa aklan ang kalibo. ayus. layo nun samin. haha

..............................................................................................................................

engr: mukhang badtrip ka kanina ah.

nurse: sino ba di mababadtrip? haha. kasalanan ko naman.

engr: sorry po. ikaw pala c delilah. at ako c samson. haha. pahnga ka na. para mawala na pgka bad trip mo.

nurse: haha. d nako badtrip. ilang oras din ako natahimik. intay ng txt mo. musta naman labnat mo?

engr: mejo ox naman na. weird lang, sumasakit tonsils k ata pg nagiging dry. kc pag umiinum akow water, ok naman.

nurse: maybe the swelling is beginnin to subside. kain ka ng snowbear or max na white. or better yet suck ka lollipop.

engr: matamis kaya ang lollipop. iba nlang kaya suck ko. haha

nurse: haha. naexcite ako dun. (smiley na kiss)

engr: hala. u owe me two kisses na.hahaha

nurse: pseudo-lollipop bayad ko, serve ko the way you like it.

engr: haha. sloppy?

nurse: kelan kaya? excited naklo magbayad e. haha

engr: magbayad ng ano?

nurse: ewan. lamo mo bakit nabadtrip ako kanina aside sa di kita nakita?

engr: baki?

nurse: kc nagready pako ng coursoup, choco oatmeal and crackers. sbi mo kc mag lagnat ka pa. bumili pa ako ng chocolates. haha

engr: nyay. yan ang mahirap sa nagsusurprise. kaw 2loy nasurprise. so kinain mo na sila?

nurse: un nga. ung chocolates binigay ko sa mga bata. ung cornsoup pinaluto ko for dinner. oatmeal and crackers andito pa.

engr: san k naman kakainin ung mga un? grbe, nagiguilty 2loy ako

nurse: nagexpect kasi ako na samahan ka pauwi then lutuin ko un for ur dinner. pag un kinakain less likely magsuka ka plus mainit para sa lagnat. i realized din naman maybe i was overdoing it. my bad nga.

engr: wow.bagay nga ang nurse at engineer.hehe.thanks sa gesture.

nurse: parang di nga e. sign yata un.

engr: sign na ano?

nurse: na di bagay ang nurse at engineer. haha

engr: i take it as a sign na seryoso si nurse kay engr.

nurse: and you didnt think mr.nurse was serious before that?

engr: i had my doubts especially when the nurse slept and went out with someone. haha

nurse: hmmmh. cant blame you but u reassure mr.nurse you were okay bout it, or wer u tryin to convince yourself that na okay nga lang un?

engr: i was saying that to convince myself and you that its okay. which it really should be. coz you're single and virile. hehe.

nurse: well, you had ur doubts, now what?

engr: now i dont. and i just stole a kiss kanina. hindi m man lang npansin. haha

nurse: napansin ko. i gripped my fon with sweaty palms. or normal lang sakin ang basang kamay? hahaha

(wag na natin hanapin ang kiss)

had to mention, but not complain

im 24 years old. an underpaid nurse in an institution somewhere down south (the farther south). i live with my mom and grandparents. i dont pay the bills. i rarely get starved. everyday i experience the joys of commuting. i love my work, my family and my home but somehow i think that im missing much in life. before i graduated i had plans, big plans (at least for me). i wanted to be a medical representative, a call center agent (at least the best CCA), an office worker in unilever or P and G, i wanted to take my masters. i wanted a lot of things but i settled to where i am right now because i didnt want to leave my family. didnt want to worry about them oceans away. didnt want to leave my mom alone . didnt want to leave my friends. i didnt want to leave my comfort zone. and then i met D. and everything changed.

help

Out dating.

seriously. since i came to manila i got the chance to meet the few people i got really fond of online. one of them id like to get really serious with. but i dont think he's fond of me as much as im fond of him. mahal ko na nga ata? nah, lang basis. but i really really like him.

crossing my fingers.

Down memory lane.

i took a trip down memory lane. i walked on the pavements that used to be home. i wanted to feel that feeling. nostalgia. but it didnt come to me. i visited old souls that used to be my family. i wanted to feel that feeling. welcomin warmth. but it didnt come to me. i experienced my past lifestyle. i wanted to feel that feeling. at peace. but it didnt come to. i took a trip down memory lane.

its always okay to look back to where one come from but to live it is never possible.